He checks my phone and my iPod…..

July 29, 2008 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“I love my husband and I am happy to some degree but he has become so insecure and very doubtful of me. He checks my emails; he checks my phone, my clothing, my iPod, and everything. It is killing our marriage because I don’t know how long I am going to be able to hold on. Everything started with an emotional affair I had, that was only a fantasy on my side. Nothing happened between us, and I regret and wish it never had happened. Now my life is hell. Is there hope or I am just holding onto a dream? Is he ever going to get over it? I am a good wife, a good mother, and a good successful woman, but now all that seems to be crumbling apart. Please help.”

There is always hope. Even the most toxic of relationships can survive if people are willing to seek appropriate help. I assure you that nothing you have done (fantasy or not) triggered your husband’s jealous behavior. You are not sufficiently powerful to elicit the behavior you have described. Don’t let him put this on you. I am not sure you are “holding onto a dream” – it sounds much more like a nightmare to me!

Filed under Difficult Relationships Tagged with ,

Things to say, in your own words, to a jealous person…

February 11, 2008 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 5 Comments

“I am sorry I have facilitated your insecurities by allowing your jealousy to influence my behavior. I will try not to do this anymore. It is not good for either of us. Walking on egg-shells is not how I like to spend my energy.”

“Going out to dinner with my friends (daughter, son, mother, father, brother, sister) is something I like to do and I sometimes like to do it alone. You are perfectly capable of understanding that having other important relationships does not mean I am rejecting you. Healthy adults can keep many relationships going at the same time. Why don’t you try it sometime?”

“We are each better off when honest, even if what we have to say is painful. Keeping you happy is too large a task for me. I hereby give that responsibility back to you. Anger, resentment, and the failure to forgive – all fruits of jealousy – are individual pursuits. You have to take care of this on your own. I am not going to interfere with your journey by trying to resolve your issues for you.”

“To love you is to stay out of your control. I’d rather have no relationships than relationships that inhibit who I am.”

Filed under Anger, Attraction, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Victims, Violence, Voice Tagged with , , , , , , ,

Addressing jealousy…

February 10, 2008 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 5 Comments

Jealousy will remove purity from your relationship. Since jealousy expresses the very opposite of trust, once the jealousy virus entrenches itself (which it usually does perversely in the name of love) you and your relationship will become something you do not want to be. Freedom will be displaced by resentment.

The jealous person will behave in ways other than preferred and will become progressively controlling, demanding, and quite unattractive. In response, the victim will begin to behave in ways other than preferred, and, over time, will lose his or her self-respect. Love that might once have existed will be replaced with resentment and regret.

Of course, he or she can’t be authentic, relaxed, honest, and off-guard when driven by jealousy. And, of course, the “victim” of jealousy cannot be authentic, relaxed, honest, and off-guard when he or she knows suspicious eyes are monitoring every move.

To be free, and if the individuals and the relationship are to survive, the virus has to be named, exposed, expelled, and then consistently resisted. The victim must learn to refuse to obey its demands and must remain out of control. The perpetrator must learn that the behavior he or she believed would sustain the relationship will rip it to irreparable shreds.

Filed under Agape, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, High maintenance relationships, Victims, Violence, Voice Tagged with ,

He has not hit me for six months…..

February 4, 2008 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 3 Comments

“We’ve been married for seven years and have two children. We have serious issues. I have been unfaithful. He has been very abusive. After the honeymoon years we found out what type of people we really are. I tried to leave but each time he would get sad and I would run back. He hasn’t hit me for six months. To make matters worse I recently met a man who has made me feel like who I used to feel. I feel I have no right to leave my husband since he hasn’t hurt me in so long. I feel like I would rather live alone then with him. I would feel safer. He has never abused the children but I worry for when they get older. Do I need to save them the trouble of finding out before it’s too late and just leave?” (Letter edited)

You cannot legitimately assess your marriage while another man is in the wings. Somehow, get some distance (breathing space) from both men. Staying because he has not hurt you is perverted logic! Consider long-term safety. Health is defined by what people do, and not by what they don’t do. Surround yourself with supportive family and friends and, within the warmth of community, make a decision,

Filed under Agape, Attraction, Victims, Violence, Voice Tagged with , , , , , , ,

Women, and jealous men…

November 28, 2007 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 15 Comments

Caught in a jealous web? Let me know. I am listening.

Caught in a jealous web? Let me know. I am listening.

Jealousy serves no useful purpose. Jealous men (It’s men in my experience) try and tell me it comes with love. Nonsense.

Ugliness is never a symptom of love.

Placated? Appeased? Entertained? Jealousy won’t dissipate. It will grow. And grow. Become increasingly demanding.

The sympathetic, those allowing jealousy to do its ugly work, will discover the virus to be insatiable. It will only becomes more restrictive and ridiculous.

“I stopped talking to men at work, I stopped dressing in pink, I stopped calling my sister, I stopped smiling – these behaviors of mine made him jealous,” she says, “now he doesn’t want me talking anyone, or wearing clothes he didn’t pick out for me, or talking to anyone in my entire family!”

Rings of pure love, doesn’t it?

It is common for a woman to believe she causes a man’s jealousy.

“I make him jealous,” she says.

“No you do not. You are not that powerful,” I say, “his jealousy predates you, and now you are the unlucky victim of the virus.”

Don’t mess (negotiate) with it. Stand up to it. Or it will get you every time. It will contaminate your every move, your every thought. (This is the nature of a virus.)

Address him with: “This is your issue, not mine. I love my life too much to allow your jealousy to manipulate or dominate me. If you want me, you have to accept that I will not allow your issues to have any power over me. It’s sad enough that your issues control you, I am certainly not going to let them control me. I’m interested to see what YOU will decide to do with YOUR problem.”

Filed under Affairs, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Voice Tagged with , , , , , ,

Relationships suffer…

November 21, 2007 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 10 Comments

1. When being right (correct, moral, accurate) is so important, so insisted upon, that it is at the expense of being loving. A healthy person can sacrifice his or her need to be right in order to love.
2. When anxiety and love are confused. “I am anxious about you” is a far cry from “I love you” and are not the same thing. Anxious people often believe true love necessitates worry. “How will he know I love him if I don’t worry about him?” is the plea of the anxious partner or parent. A healthy person remains non-anxious.
3. When love and control are synonymous. “If you love me you will dress (speak, think, see, hear) according to my will,” says the controller, “or I will question your love for me.” Healthy love celebrates freedom.
4. When love means “melting” into each other, giving up individual identity in the name of love. “We’re so close we even think each other’s thoughts,” proclaims the unhealthy couple. Healthy love elevates separateness, space and individuality.

Filed under Agape, Trust, Victims, Voice, Womanhood Tagged with , , , , , , , , ,

We’re engaged but she and her ex still lean on each other…

November 20, 2007 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 2 Comments

“I met a woman a year ago and we are engaged. She very good friends with her ex-husband because neither has other family. Although he is very good to his daughter, and because my fiancé and he are still close, I find it hard to feel appreciated. They are used to having each other to lean on and help each other. Why does that make me jealous? We love each other but the ex husband is used to helping her and making the decisions. Now that I am there, I feel he should only be involved when it something concerns his daughter. I feel like I have no say in the decision-making for my new family for everything is run by the ex husband so that he will not feel left out. She says they are friends and I do not fear any cheating.”

I’d suggest you place matters on hold until this woman defines herself to her ex and rids herself of her need to rescue him from loneliness. While your jealousy is your issue (something you perhaps might look into), playing second fiddle to an ex, while you are engaged, is cause for concern. I’d suggest you step out until he does, or until something shifts. While you cooperate and compromise yourself and your engagement, nothing will change.

Filed under Agape, Attraction, Betrayal, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together Tagged with , , , ,

I am married to a very jealous man. What can I do to help him?

September 27, 2007 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 11 Comments

I am married to a very jealous man and, although I am completely faithful, I am accused of all kinds of things all the time. What can I do to help him?

Nothing. Jealousy is an individual pursuit. The one who is caught in its relentless grip is the only person who can address it. If you are a faithful person you must leave him to deal with his own feelings of jealousy and take no responsibility for his feelings at all.

If you try to convince him of your faithfulness, a jealous person will ultimately interpret your convincing as confessions. If you try to placate him, to reassure him, you will only have to repeat all your reassurances the next time he feels jealous (and to a greater extent every time).

Nothing you have done causes your husband to be jealous, and no amount of dancing (submitting) to his pathology (think of jealousy as a virus!) will result in its disappearance. A most unloving response on your part would be to behave as if somehow it is you who makes him jealous. Do not curb your natural, innocent behavior in the fear that it might stimulate his jealousy. Jealousy has already got him; don’t let it get you.

Filed under Agape, Attraction, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Sexual compatibility, Spousal abuse Tagged with , , , , , , ,