Comments for Difficult Relationships / Rod E. Smith

Comment on To spank or not to spank… by Lighthouse

Lighthouse — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 19:45:47 +0000

Spanking … NO.

We’ve had some success with the following, but as always it may not work for you.

If the offending words/actions involve another person and they are able to speak:

1. Ask the offending child to fulfil their appropriate responsibility - to use gentle words/touches - then explain how you will all help them with self-control (see 2).
2a. Ask the offended child to use gentle words to assertively ask the offender to “stop” .
2b. If 2a does not work, ask the offended child to repeat 2a and in addition ask the offender to “respect their words”.
2c. If 2b does not work, ask the offended child to say nothing further and find you.
2d. You take the offended back to offender, acknowledge the efforts of the offender to keep self-control in general but ask them to recognize that they failed on this occassion by saying “sorry”, then explain how you will continue to help them with self-control and obtain agreement for compliance from the offender. Repeat as necessary.

If the words/actions involve another person unable to speak or an inanimate object:

1. Ask the offending child to fulfil their appropriate responsibility - to use gentle touches - then explain how you will all help them with self-control (see 2).
2a. After each offense, remove the object. Repeat the above and obtain agreement for compliance from the offender. Repeat as necessary.
2b. If the object cannot be removed, associate it with a use for the child and take away the result, i.e. cannot remove car, but can remove a promised trip to McDonalds. Repeat the above and obtain agreement for compliance from the offender. Repeat as necessary.

As the offender repeatedly benefits from the loving, consistent efforts of yourself and other effected parties, they will internalize the inevitability of feedback (request for fulfilment of responsibilities) from those around them and the desire to misbehave will subside.

Yeah, good parenting takes efforts. It may even require prioritizing discipline over enjoyment sometimes at some sacrifice to yourself. But, you should have got a dog if you wanted a broken spirited, Pavlovian trained companion. After all, no child gets up in the morning wanting to be hit, they just wanted to find their lovingly , consistently applied boundaries.

Comment on Intentionally developing mutual support… (WOMEN) by Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker

Patricia - Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 19:42:23 +0000

It has been in the back of my mind for awhile to create a women’s group to do something like this. Thanks for giving me the impetus and some guidelines for starting this group. Mutual support has been my reason for wanting to do this. We all move around in life so fast and could use the support of other women. Thanks.

Comment on When your husband says he doesn’t love you anymore or want to be married anymore…… by Kara

Kara — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 17:43:19 +0000

It has been a year since my mother told me that my father said he didn’t love her any loger. And i am still bitter. I am bitter at the fact that my own mom told this information to me. She doesn’t know how badly that hurt me. And how angry it made me. There are periods where i seem to put everything in the back of my mind. But after a while the harsh memories of anger and sadness reappear. They are still together. They apparently were able to work things out. I feel that it is just so completely fake though. My mother has really become someone completely different. Putting my father before her and her children. I love my parents but i have so much pent up anger and hostility that i just don’t know what to do. My mom has no job (except some days she helps my dad at his work) and a lot of the day she sleeps and does nothing. My dad works and is a nice man but is so unreliable and does things on his own accord. I know that these issues are theirs but it drives me crazy.

Comment on Intentionally developing mutual support… (WOMEN) by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT

Rod E. Smith, MSMFT — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 03:46:14 +0000

Spot on Melanie! How did you guess? See my posting for tomorrow or see tomorrow’s paper…..

Rod

Comment on Intentionally developing mutual support… (WOMEN) by melanie gao

melanie gao — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 01:53:42 +0000

MWE - that has got to be Men Without Egos. Am I right?

Comment on Two-year-old will not sleep by Brooke

Brooke — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 21:34:22 +0000

I agree with Rod that there is absolutely no reason to hit a child. It does not teach them right from wrong; in fact, it teaches them exactly the opposite: that it is ok to hit someone if you are bigger than them, or if you are angry at them. Instead, appropriate consequences are what a child needs. I do not let my two year old get away with anything, but his punishments fit the crime. In my experience, a time out (one minute per year) is much more effective than a spanking: he doesn’t do it again because he knows that his fun time will be interrupted, not because he fears pain. Although, no matter what the misbehavior or punishment, a two year old may do it again: it takes as much as 15-20 exposures to learn a new concept, including how to behave properly. A two year old is so “terrible” because this is the age where they begin to test new concepts, including what they can get away with, and that learning can take a lot of trial and error. You need to be patient, consistent, and understanding, but draw firm boundaries and punish quickly and consistently every time they are crossed.

Comment on Emotionally exhausted? Here are some ways to find restoration… by moira

moira — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:05:24 +0000

you know wat i have a very abusive relationship.my boyfriend has a 8 years old daughter and i have a 3 years old boy. We are living together with his daughter but he doesnt want my baby and i cant leave him cause we opened a company together but i am scared i wil lose everythin i have if i leave him.eish

Comment on Intentionally developing mutual support… (WOMEN) by Nancy

Nancy — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 17:19:19 +0000

Rod - I think you’re onto something. Men Without End?

Comment on In response to “just friends”… by In response to "just friends"

In response to "just friends" — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 11:13:11 +0000

She’s using you for validation.

So long as she knows ‘you want her’ she feels validated. Maybe her husband doesn’t pay her enough attention or treat her like the princess her daddy told her she was.

I agree with Rod - be very, very careful in terms of risking your career. When it comes to a man, a woman and anything sexual - the guy loses! That’s simply how social protocol works.

Much as it’s an ego buff to have a woman paying you attention, remember she’s using you for her own satisfaction. Maybe she’s getting at her husband, perhaps she just wants to feel attractive… either way when she’s had enough it’ll be you that pays the price.

Comment on Bi-polar husband and his road-rage…. by Anonymous

Anonymous — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 09:54:02 +0000

Anyone can experience “road rage” - its not just people with Bipolar. I have Bipolar and have only had one episode of “road rage” in 10 years and that was prior to my diagnosis and prior to being stable on my medication.
The DVLA (driving licence authority) in England does medical checks on all people with Bipolar with their treating psychiatrist to determine whether or not they are fit to drive. If they are, they have their driving licence renewed.
I drive around 360 miles a week. I come across countless of angry, rude, aggressive and downright unkind drivers daily.
Are you saying that they are all Bipolar? Or are you saying that those with Bipolar also, at times, exhibit these kinds of characteristics along with the general population?
Blaming “normal” unhealthy human behaviour on Bipolar is not helpful to either you or the Bipolar sufferer. The person with Bipolar has to learn to recognise what makes them feel angry in the first place. If their spouse/employee/family always blames anger/frustration/rage/annoyance/irritation on “Bipolar” that is a sure fire way to make the Bipolar sufferer feel anger/frustration/rage/annyance/irritation. They, like everyone else on the planet, feel these normal emotions from time to time. To attribute it to Bipolar and to not to normal human feelings, is to undermine that person further and to invalidate their feelings thereby leading to further depression.
Look at your own self and your own negative emotions and behaviour and see if you come up smelling of roses!