He’s (She’s) divorced! How can I know he’s (she’s) ready to date…..

July 20, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

How to know it’s “a go” when dating someone who is divorced…

1. His/her divorce has been finalized (that means completed) for more than a year.
2. He/she takes appropriate responsibility for his or her part in the breakdown of the former marriage.
3. He/she wants a healthy spiritual, emotional, and intellectual relationship with a diverse range of people before becoming intimately involved with any one person.

It MUST get rough to get better

It will be a rough ride if red flags are ignored.....

4. He/she is involved in his/her children’s lives and willingly, generously, and punctually pays child support.
5. He/she places a high priority on rearing his/her own children, while being respectful toward your children and your relationship with them.
6. He/she can conduct meaningful conversations with the former spouse about matters pertaining to the children. That the divorce is REAL is clear – so there are no intimate, or “throw-back” conversations.
7. He/she is very respectful of marriage, sex, the opposite sex, despite the previous breakdown.
8. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with his/her former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
9. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with your former spouse or persons associated with your former marriage.
10. He/she has deep regard for the time and patience required to establish new relationships and is willing allow necessary time for intimacy to properly develop.

Filed under Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Recovery, Second marriages, Sex education, Step parenting, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Young Love Tagged with ,

She stays with her ex to care for her horses…..

September 13, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 2 Comments

“Every weekend my partner stays with her ex husband because that is where her horses are and it is also nearer where she works on Fridays and Mondays. I have had nearly enough. She says she loves me but we never have weekends together. I think the universe is saying something loudly to me but whenever I try to talk about this I get tears and anger and ‘we will talk next week’ and ‘I love you but I am busy and I am tired and I am looking after the horses.’ I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help.” (Edited)

Go with her....

Go with her....

Join her. Go to her. I am sure you can offer her help in caring for the horses. An ex-husband who is sufficiently hospitable to house your partner’s horses will surely also welcome you. This will give you time to be together as a couple, the horses will get more attention, and your partner will presumably get more rest given your assistance.

“Pushing the system” in such a manner will expose, not what the Universe is saying to you, but what kind of a relationship you have with your partner and what kind of relationship she has with her ex-husband.

Filed under Agape, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships

(Mis)beliefs about love…

July 3, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

You can love and NOT worry...

You can love and NOT worry...

Easy-to-make fundamental (primordial) errors of belief humans often make in relationships can unsettle (challenge) the strongest of commitments. These “emotional fault-lines” can require intensive understanding on behalf of the one so inflicted, and, when not embraced and accepted by others (I do not mean appeased) these troubled foundations can result in consequential ramifications in day-to-day loving, living, and parenting:

1. Attention equals love and the amount of attention reflects the amount of love. To mistake attention with love and the lack of attention with the lack of love. “If you love me then I will be the focus of much (hopefully all) of your attention,” and,”If you give your attention to someone else it means you love them and not me or you love them more than you love me.”
2. Worry (anxiety) equals love. To think (or feel) that the presence of anxiety or worry or concern is a sign of love and commitment. “If I love you then I must worry about you,” or “If you love me then how can you be so seemingly worry-free about me?” or “When you love someone you think about that person and worry about what they are doing all day, or you don’t love them.”
3. Togetherness, unity, and being “on the same page” are signs of love and commitment. “How can we possibly love each other if we don’t think and feel and see things in as much the same way as possible? There, look at Jack and Jill across the street, they are so in love she even thinks for him, they dress the same, and he calls her 15 times a day at work to let her know he’s concerned about her safety. Now that – that is love.”

Filed under Agape, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice

Prevailing love

June 4, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 2 Comments

Take up your life....

Take up your life....

Love prevails. I am not referring to the kind of love associated with romance, although such love is of course vastly important. I am referring to a love that is beyond romantic attraction, love that is usually beyond humans unless they know, first-hand, something about suffering, something about loss, hurt, about loneliness and abandonment.

The love that prevails is sometimes born in people who know how painful life can be. I say sometimes, because tough events can also produce bitterness, not love, in others. Prevailing love is not about good feelings, about an emotional high, nor is it about being known or rewarded for good deeds.

The kind of love is born or developed in the wake of suffering prevails because it has learned that there is goodness in others, that there is hope in the world, that there is reward in believing in the goodness of others.

Love people today. Do something counter-cultural to the spirit of self-seeking in your office, at the hospital where you work, or at the school where you teach. Offer a open hand of love and generosity to a struggling person. Turn your own reservoir of pain and suffering into an act of love.

Love prevails, and it wants to prevail in you.

Filed under Agape, Attraction, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Leadership, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love

Handling emotional affairs

June 3, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

Let's talk

Let's talk

An emotional affair (a non-sexual inordinate attachment with someone other than the spouse) will be very tough on a committed spouse. If this affair is full-blown you will probably feel as if you are living with someone who is absent in every manner but physically. He or she would really rather be elsewhere.

Calling attention to this hurtful inordinate attachment will probably result in flaring tempers and/or in further distancing which are designed to silence you. Consequently you will find yourself watching every word you say lest every encounter results in a flare up and/or in your spouse walking out the door.

Suggestions:

1. “Steel” yourself. Remind yourself that you are strong, deserving of the very best in all your relationships, that you are unwilling to tolerate “sharing” your spouse. This is a reasonable position to hold.
2. Do not keep it a secret. Draw attention to the emotional affair even if it disrupts the peace in your home.
3. Be prepared to take radical stands. Be willing to ask your spouse to move out and do not cooperate with the affair any more than you would were it fully sexual in nature. That the affair is non-sexual does not make it acceptable.

Filed under Affairs, Agape, Anger, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Double standards, Faith, Family, Friendship, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Living together, Long distance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Schnarch, Second marriages, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triangles

She wants to talk too often….

November 9, 2008 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 4 Comments

“I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend for almost a year now. I am a person who needs a lot of personal space, maybe because that’s how I was raised. I lost my parent when I was 6, and since then, I need space. My girlfriend likes to hear of every detail of my life. It’s enough for me if I talk to her once in couple of days but she doesn’t get it. She is too demanding for me. Is what I am asking really weird?” (Shortened)

dsc_0642Desiring room to move in any relationship is absolutely normal. What you want is not “weird,” and your initial mutual attraction is not at all surprising. The reasons you continued in the relationship once you felt overwhelmed by your girlfriend’s desire for connection might be where weirdness makes an entry. Attempting an explanation of what’s behind your desire for more “space” than needed by your girlfriend is pointless. Short of a miracle, this is a set-up for continued frustration for each of you. If you decide to end the liaison, do it by means of a face-to-face conversation rather than on the phone or, worse, by Email!

Filed under Difficult Relationships, Long distance relationships

The power of human love…. is in you…

November 29, 2007 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 4 Comments

It is in us to love. It’s human. We have the capacity for it. Even hurt and rejected people can love. Once a person accepts that love has more than romantic connotations, as powerful and valid as these of course are, he or she will be able to see its broader power.

Love is unleashed through simple, but not easy, human acts of seeking the highest good both for oneself and for others. Acts of offering unearned forgiveness, of reaching out to the estranged, of welcoming a stranger, of letting go of all prejudice, of rejecting dishonesty – all begin within the individual human heart.

When a person intentionally facilitates others toward finding and enjoying and exercising the full range of their humanity, he or she will know and see and experience the powerhouse love is.

Even people with reason to reject others, having themselves been rejected or treated inhumanely, have it in them to love, if they dare to muster the courage for it. It comes quite naturally to the courageous person, and when it is unleashed, the purposes and the meaning of life surge into the heart of all who have the courage to hear and respond to its powerful call.

If you want a bound edition of all 400+ columns GO TO: www.ToughPlace.Blogspot.com and follow the directions on the right of the page…….

Filed under Agape, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Double standards, Faith, Family, Grace, Growing up, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Long distance relationships, Love, Marriage, Meditation, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Recovery, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Therapeutic Process, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice, Weddings, Womanhood, Young Love Tagged with , , , , , ,

To get the best out of sex….

November 13, 2007 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

The power and sacredness of sex …

Morality, religious beliefs, and family values and expectations aside, which, by the way I believe is impossible to do, don’t have sex with a person whom you do not know, and are not committed to in every area of your life, for the long haul.

To say “it (sex) is just a physical thing” is naïve, shortsighted, and misguided.

Sexual behavior is powerfully connected to the essence of who and what each of us is, and to regard it lightly or with flippancy, dismisses the powerful, creative, and beautiful place sex occupies in the engine room of each our lives, whether married or single.

To regard sexual acts as purely (only) physical is absurd.

Sexuality, and its expression through physical acts, potentially combines your whole heart, mind, your spirit (or inner being) and your body – in a sacred act of shared love, resulting in mutual replenishment, mutual recharging, and the willing refocus, as a couple on all that is mutually and individually important.

It is impossible to get the best out of sex (or put your best into sex) with a stranger, or with someone you hardly know, and with whom you have no long-term shared responsibilities and commitments.

Filed under Affairs, Agape, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Double standards, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice Tagged with , , , , , , , , ,

Emotionally exhausted? Here are some ways to find restoration…

October 10, 2007 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 12 Comments

Take up your life....

Take up your life....

Are you emotionally out of shape? Psychologically exhausted? Tramped on? Feel trapped? Just as a person can be physically run down, so also can one become emotionally depleted. Here are simple, not easy, steps to getting your internal life into shape. Each will do your internal life as much good as frequent exercise does for a person who is physically out of shape:

1. Speak up where you might previously have remained silent.
2. Realize that not everything you think and feel has to be said or reported.
3. Focus on your own behavior and not the behavior of others. (This might be the most difficult of the 11 suggestions).
4. Rid your life of all blame.
5. Realize you are where you are as a result of your own choices.
6. Set small, secret goals involving no one but you.
7. Refuse to compromise when it comes to telling the truth no matter how much love may be involved.
8. Forgive where you might have previously have been resentful.
9. Do not function in roles not legally yours (don’t play wife if your are not, or dad if you are not).
10. Grasp the fact that emotional health is an individual journey and no one can be held responsible for your journey toward greater emotional health but you.
11. Clarify, for yourself, where you end and others begin. (This IS me, my issue, my responsibility: this is NOT me, my issue, my responsibility).

Filed under Agape, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Double standards, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Growing up, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Marriage and in-laws, Meditation, Parenting/Children, Past relationships, Pornography, Re-marriage, Reactivity, Recovery, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Victims, Violence, Voice Tagged with , , , , , , ,

Six observations, almost always true about families…..

September 24, 2007 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 4 Comments

dsc_0642Axioms (observations that are almost always true) for families:

A man or woman who has an open, friendly, respectful, and playful relationship with his or her own parents will seldom have problems with his or her in-laws.

Extra-marital affairs are symptoms of a troubled marriage and not the cause of trouble in a marriage.

The teenager who is open and friendly and kind to his or her parents is laying the foundation for a happy and open and friendly relationship with his or her future spouse and children.

When children “take over” a family, and become the center or the glue of a marriage, relational carnage (with the marriage and even possibly with the children) waits in the wings.

The couple that engages in sex, but never discusses it, will finally end up discussing (or arguing about) why one or the other partner has lost all interest in sex.

People who can stand up to each other (resist poor treatment; declare what he or she will or will not do; speak up about what he or she really feels) are more likely to have a lasting relationship than people who relent or give in to each other’s wishes in the name of love.

Filed under Affairs, Agape, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Domination, Double standards, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Manipulation, Marriage and in-laws Tagged with , , , ,

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