I am completely invisible to her…..

July 28, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“My husband’s sister treats me like I am completely invisible. When I have requested that we talk about it, my request is refused. My sister-in-law affirmation is not important to me. However what is important is that my husband does not speak up. This concerns and hurts me greatly. We have been married for 19 years. Only in the two years, since my sister-in-law got divorced, has my husband had much to do with her.”

Live fully anyway

Your husband is a wise man if he is opting to keep out of relationship problems that do not involve him. As an adult woman you do not need anyone, not even your husband, to run interference for you. I do not know how you will get the recognition you want, but do not need, from your sister-in-law. Efforts will fail if he tries to clear a path for you to his sister.

Live a full life anyway, despite your invisibility to her. The passive party in any relationship is the one who is in control (leading or determining the outcome) of the relationship.

I think it is your husband’s attention you crave. Address this with him without begging. Get his attention and, for good or for ill, his sister will surely begin to notice you.

Filed under Blended families, Communication, Differentiation, Family, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Trust, Victims, Voice Tagged with ,

My grandson breaks things in our home….

July 22, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

Fortify your boundaries and stay out of control

Clarify what you expect in your own home

“My grandson (7) has broken numerous electrical and other items whilst visiting at our home. My daughter and son-in-law think it is okay not to offer to compensate or repair the items. When I ask them what they intend to do about my damaged goods they are silent. I believe the father needs to set the example by attempting to repair the items. That way the boy learns by example. He learns that if we break other people’s item, then we are responsible for fixing them or making good.”

1. Supervise the child – this matter is about the adults, not the child. You, the grandparent, are empowered to make his visits a joy.
2. Gather old irons and toasters for the boy to work on while at your home.
3. Get him a set of tools to keep at your home.
4. Sit with the boy and request he teach you how things work as he dismantles used electrical items you have collected and set aside for him.
5. Place his usual targets, your valued items, out of his sight for a short time.
6. Pack everything already broken in a box and ask the family (as a group) what it intends to do to repair the damages.
7. Be prepared for some conflict as you articulate your expectations for what occurs in your home. Your intent appears to include “fixing” something about your son-in-law. Quit it. Focus on creating a fabulous (real, forthright, fun, flexible, and fascinating) experience for your grandchild every time he walks through your door.

Filed under Boundaries, Children, In-laws, Parenting/Children

In-laws spoil my children…

November 10, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“My in-laws spoil my children. The kids don’t close their mouths after talking about something they want and off go grandma and grandpa to buy it. I did not grow up this way and I don’t want it for my children. Please help.” (Email not gender specific)

TUYL

Timing is everything...

First: Although you have not hinted at the possibility, do not ask your spouse to be the messenger to his or her parents. You are the one feeling and expressing the frustration, and so this is an issue that is yours to directly handle.

Second: Speak up, and do so without alienating your in-laws. This requires great skill, an advanced sense of timing, and a great deal of poise on your part. Choose a time when anxiety is low – a time when you are all feeling good about life and each other.

Third: if you are successful, your in-laws will thank you for your insight and somewhat refrain from excessive shopping. You will need to remind them (playfully) of your chat several times over the course of a year.

Fourth: If you are unsuccessful, everyone will end up on bad terms, your in-laws won’t shop for the children again and your children and spouse will be as frustrated with you as you are with your in-laws.

Filed under Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Marriage and in-laws, Parenting/Children

My husband doesn’t get on with his mother….

May 9, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

“My mother-in-law and my husband are constantly at each others necks. We were having a prayer at home one night and he told her not to do something because he would do it later but she did it anyway. When he asked her about what she did she denied it but after some questioning she admitted it. Then things blew out of proportion and both said things they regret. I know that they must forgive each other but they are too stubborn. She tells me that it’s not my problem but she makes sarcastic remarks and seldom speaks to me. My husband is also short tempered when people do something wrong. He feels that she lied to him. I feel uneasy to be at her home. I told her if they can’t sort it out then we will move out. She says that if we are not happy living there then we should go.” (Edited)

Get out of the middle!

Get out of the middle!

Your mother-in-law is correct. It’s not your problem. Try to stay out of it. While staying out of it, I know, is easier said than done, getting yourself in the middle of an age old conflict will only ultimately render you “enemy” to both, and have you feeling even more helpless. I am willing to bet the two of them have been dancing this dance long before you married into the family.

Quite apart from this futile squabble I’d suggest it is time you and your husband establish your independence. But, watch out, if your husband does not grow up a little and get these petty tensions with his mother somewhat resolved, he will most certainly, once you are on your own, begin to wrestle with you in the very same way he now does with his mother. Yesterday’s unresolved issues unfailingly emerge in today’s relationships and thus we end up fighting ancient battles with those who were not even in our lives when the conflict began.

Filed under Agape, Anger, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, In-laws

His brother would hate to see him happy…

January 15, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

My boyfriend of 10 years says he doesn’t love me anymore and is tired of pretending. I feel like I just lost my best friend. I don’t understand how a man can go out every night and drink while he has a beautiful woman at home? He’s not seeing anyone else. He claims he wants to be alone. I know he is getting brain washed by his brother who has had a failed marriage and who would hate to see his brother happy. His brother has always put me down and has gone as far to call me ugly. This is a sad situation because my boyfriend is letting his brother win. I know my boyfriend is a good man with good intentions who is throwing away our relationship to make his brother happy. Please give me some advice.

Order through link on the right

Order through link on the right

You are assigning more power to the brother than any brother can wield – except if your boyfriend was inclined to want to detach from you already. Mourn. Take stock of who you are and where you want to go with you life. Pick yourself up. If you work hard to stop him leaving, keeping him will require even harder work. Who could possibly want to live like that?

Filed under Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, High maintenance relationships, In-laws Tagged with

Sleeping arrangements when brother visits with his girlfriend…

November 5, 2007 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 2 Comments

“I don’t know what to do. My brother (25) and his girlfriend (24) are coming to stay for a few days. They live together (and are not married). My children (boys who are 6 and 7) know they are not married and I don’t know if I should let my brother and his girlfriend stay in the same room. We are Christians and do not support living together and I am not sure what kind of message this will send to my children.” (Shortened)

If you judge your brother your attitude toward him will send your children a stronger, more memorable and negative message than any memory each boy might retain of an uncle’s sleeping arrangements.

I’d suggest you fall on your knees and thank God you have a brother who wants to visit your home, and allow your adult brother and his adult girlfriend to decide where they’d like to sleep – even when visiting your home.

Your children are likely to remember how you love their uncle more than they will remember where anyone slept!

Filed under Double standards, Faith, Family, Growing up, In-laws Tagged with , , , , , , ,

Previous Post

October 23, 2007 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

“My husband and my parents just do not get along. They seem to be fighting about everything and anything. My husband says he’s not at fault and my parents say they are not at fault. But I feel trapped in the middle. How do I deal with both without hurting or betraying the other.”

Get out of the middle. Leave the room when their conflicts surface. Laugh uproariously at their childish ways. Find the humor in their absurd inability to co-exist as adults.

But, do not carry messages between the “warring” groups. Say things like, “He’s your son-in-law, talk to him yourself,” and, “My parents can hear this from you as much as they can from me. You talk to them.”

It is possible for you to love and honor both of these intense relationships without their divide severing you in two.

Remember, you are powerless over relationhips that do not involve you. These relationships impact you, yes, but they do not involve you.

Filed under High maintenance relationships, In-laws Tagged with , , , ,

Invasive sister-in-law….

September 26, 2007 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 2 Comments

“My sister-in-law is very judgmental when it comes to how I treat my children (8 and 6). She rolls her eyes behind my back, she makes subtle comments, she sighs; she tells other relatives that she wonders what “some of the children in the family” will become. My husband just laughs it off and says she’s been this way since she was five years old. Do I say something or do I just let it go? (Shortened)

Reasonably sane people usually possess an innate knowledge about the rearing of their own children. I’d suggest you trust yourself, and trust your unique children-rearing approach enough to find the mirth within the intrusive “dialogue” you have with your hyper-vigilant sister-in-law.

So, yes, say something, and say whatever you have to say often. Just make sure whatever you say is usually funny. Use your voice to playfully expose her passive aggressive style of communication. A warm, gentle, and playful approach to your apparently stressed sister-in-law is unlikely to foster and change within her, but it is likely to let you off her caustic hook. 

  

Filed under Agape, Boundaries, In-laws, Listening Tagged with , , , , , , , ,

Should I write a letter to my in-laws about how they treat me……?

September 10, 2007 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 2 Comments

Would it be fair to my husband to write a letter to his family in order to distance myself from them? I have had hostility and rejection from them for 25 years. The sting of rejection has now become unbearable and I feel uncomfortable in their presence. They never ask how we are or make conversation with me or enquire after my loved ones. I feel their resentment and have never understood why. Would this break down my marriage, as my husband is passive, peacemaker and will not confront them on this issue, so I feel isolated, misunderstood? I am a good, caring, kind person, but they way they treat me is conflicting with my values and feel I need to put a voice to my feelings. (Minimally edited)

Rod’s reply: Writing a letter will not be understood (or appreciated) and it will only serve to offer fuel to the rejection you already experience. Share your painful feelings with a trusted friend.

Remain polite to those who treat you so poorly without going out of your way to engage, or to disengage them.

You are concerned about what is fair to your husband while he is passive (unfair) regarding your pain. Perhaps will come the day your husband will see that passivity can be as abusive and damaging as violence.

Filed under Agape, Difficult Relationships, Family, In-laws, Spousal abuse, Voice

He sets rules about visiting my parents…

September 5, 2007 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“I have been married for two years and we have had a constant battle about how often we visit my parents. My husband put in place his rules of ‘creating appropriate distance’ with fortnightly visits, which are often pushed to visits every fourth week. I thought we’d visit both sets of parents weekly but that idea was quickly terminated. It is really hard. My husband is a bit of a control freak because he used to tell me that I should behave like someone’s wife instead of someone’s daughter! I am just sick of this childishness. If he loved me, he would make the effort that is required every couple of weeks for my sake and stop creating ‘rules’ that just apply to my family.” (Edited)

I’d suggest you visit your family at will, and, having extended to your husband an opportunity to join you, if he refuses, proceed alone. Do not be his press secretary = direct questions regarding his absence to him. Persist in this manner and you will be behaving as a wife and daughter! While your husband will probably not “get it” (“adolescent men” seldom do) your determination to avoid his control will do your husband and marriage a wonderful service.

Filed under Agape, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Family, In-laws

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