Can abuse stop?

July 13, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

“Can abusive behavior like controlling behavior, badgering, jealousy about other relationships, monitoring things like a partner’s phone, and physical pushing, shoving behavior and even more violent outbursts stop?”

[Yes – but often not within the same entanglement. With close counsel and strong third party monitoring (at least for a period of time) the perpetrator can gain insight, grow, and self-monitor his or her use of unhelpful and destructive interpersonal behaviors.

While it is NEVER the victim’s responsibility (no one is sufficiently powerful to make another abusive) a lot can hinge on the degree of “fed-up-ness” within the victim.

Abuse (all categories) continues and intensifies when the victim covers for the perpetrator, “rewrites” the behavior, excuses it, or when the victim feels he or she deserves to be poorly treated.

Most perpetrators will back off (at least temporarily) when met with a sound and early refusal to allow an abusive repertoire within the relationship’s behavior cycle.

It is never the victim who causes the abusive behavior, but the victim must immediately remove him or herself from the abuse (which is seldom easy because people are attracted to persons who are similarly relationally mature or immature) or the behavior will intensify.

Filed under Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice Tagged with , ,

Our daughter is very fearful…..

July 1, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“Our daughter (10) is riddled with fear. She won’t sleep in her room, get up in the night without one of us getting up with her, or even enter her own room after dark to get her clothes for the next morning. She is able to speak very openly and graphically about her fears. Please shed some light on how we can handle this.”

No blame or shame...

Your child’s fears probably don’t originate with your child. This sounds like family anxiety passed from generation to generation and your daughter is the recipient of unresolved generational anxieties. An effective family therapist will serve you well. He or she will give everyone in the family (as many people and generations as your can gather for a meeting) assignments to explore the family’s unresolved complexities. Reconnecting with each other, being willing to sit down as a tribe will increase the likelihood of calming everyone in the family’s cumulative anxiety, even if at first it appears to make it worse.

Encourage your daughter to write her immediate and long-term goals. Encourage her to plan small steps of growth like being willing to sleep in her own room one or two nights a week. Do not punish her for her worries and concerns – they did not begin with her.

Filed under Agape, Boundaries, Children, Education, Faith, Family

Nine things worthy of pursuit…..

May 31, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 3 Comments

1. To be the most generous person you know.
2. To hold everything you own with an open hand.
3. To share everything you know with willingness.
4. To do all you can to empower the people within your circle of influence.
5. To be able to say “yes” more than “no” to the adventures that come your way (Ed Friedman)
6. To have the capacity to “see beyond” the limitations set by your family history, your nationality, and your faith story.
7. To be able to live within your means.
8. To embody forgiveness, freedom, and grace for all who will repeatedly and naturally attempt to sabotage you as you live your full and passionate life.
9. To embrace your dark side (everyone has one) by trying to understand it, accept it so that it will not need to push itself onto your center-stage and take you by surprise in response to your denial of its presence.

June 1st, 2010: Today our journey to Australia and Singapore begins. Traveling in the USA used to be a pleasure. Now it is usually a nightmare: no food on domestic flights, heavy security, frequent flight cancellations, lots of impatient “entitled” people. You can only imagine what all this means to my two boys! Hoping for two successful connections: Chicago and San Francisco.

Filed under Agape, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Leadership, Listening, Responsive people, Triangles, Trust, Voice, Young Love

How to fight with those you love….

May 23, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 4 Comments

“Rules of engagement” for conflict between friends and lovers and members of the family:

1. We fight to love each other more powerfully while understanding that conflict is sometimes necessary to remove or negotiate our way around natural restrictions that come in the way of all love.

2. We fight to better understand each other and because some deeply seated beliefs and positions are only clarified through benign conflict.

3. We do not fight to hurt, damage, or destroy but rather to clarify thinking, to define ourselves more clearly, and therefore, to see each other more fully.

4. When we fight we do not bring old issues into the fray, triangle others onto our side, or hide behind Scripture or other sacred writing.

5. When we fight we do not use stereotypes about men or women, race, creed, culture, or nationality.

6. We put a time limit on our conflicts, agreeing that the necessary conflict will not pervade every part of our relationship. Troubles in parts of our relationship do not need to contaminate the whole.

7. When we fight we will always give each other the benefit of the doubt, the offer of complete forgiveness, and an open dialogue free of cynicism, sarcasms, and retribution.

8. We will agree to disagree, respect our differences, and embrace our similarities. (From Gail S. Gibbons)

Filed under Agape, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Education, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace

Letter to a young dad….

February 15, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

Love her mother....

Durban’s own Grant Fraser (former Durban City soccer star) wrote to me this week. Celebrating the joys of parenting of his infant daughter triggered his reminiscing: “You never taught me how to do this,” said his brief note referring to when I was his school teacher. You are correct, Grant. There isn’t curriculum that can effectively teach you to be a dad. Nonetheless Grant, here are a few challenges:

1. Dedicate yourself to your daughter to the same degree you enjoyed the dedication of your own mother and father. You could not have had better parents.
2. Love, serve, and honor your partner. Loving your child’s mother is the single most powerful way you can love your daughter.
3. Be as committed to honesty with your child as you were with others when you were a boy.
4. Don’t let the mundane, but necessary, tasks wear the joy out of you. Babies need fun more than they need clean nappies.
5. Go away for an overnight and a full day often with your daughter – just the two of you. Get no help packing or planning from anyone.
6. Finally, leave the teaching to your daughter. She will teach you how to be her dad more effectively anything you will ever teach her.

(Name used with permission)

Filed under Agape, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Faith, Family, Friendship, Growing up, Listening, Marriage, Parenting/Children, Trust, Voice, Womanhood Tagged with

Help for the addicted…..

December 5, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 4 Comments

Open Hand can help you help yourself out of your addiction

Addiction is no picnic. The substance, or the activity, and the accompanying shame begin to rule. It (alcohol, “pot”, gambling, illicit sexual behavior, you name it) can take over a person’s life and make a beggar out of anyone. The shakes, cravings, preoccupations with the drugs, drinks, over-the-counter drugs, or gambling, then becomes central to a life hastily easing out of control. Relationships are threatened, jobs are on the line, and children’s nerves, simply as a product of exposure to addictions, are shattered.

And there is hope. There is hope for the man or woman who wants out from under the heavy rule of illegal substances or alcohol. There is hope for the adult who wants to live without drinking, that wants to be present and sober for his or her children while the children are growing. I’ve seen it many times: a man or a woman has been shocked into the realization that his or her lifestyle is no longer productive and drinking and drunkenness has all but consumed the person while also killing the marriage.

Let me have your story by Email that I may assist you in finding the hope you need and the help you might think you need in overcoming your addiction.

Filed under Boundaries, Difficult Relationships, Domination, Faith, Family Tagged with , ,

His children and I go without for his parents….

November 18, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

Dialogue first....

“My in-laws can get anything they want from their son while his children and I have to go without. This is getting in the way of our marriage and he can’t see it. Quite soon I am going to leave him if it doesn’t change. This is not something we can talk about because of our culture.”

You get to decide if you wish to be subjected to cultural expectations at the expense of your marriage and your mental health. I’d suggest you have a conversation, and not a confrontation, with your husband over this matter. Do not suggest he resist assisting his parents, but rather finds a way, with you, to serve his parents without sacrificing the needs of his immediate family.

Dialogue first. Negotiations, second. Ultimatums, polarized positions (“us or them”) to be avoided at all cost.

Filed under Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family

In-laws spoil my children…

November 10, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“My in-laws spoil my children. The kids don’t close their mouths after talking about something they want and off go grandma and grandpa to buy it. I did not grow up this way and I don’t want it for my children. Please help.” (Email not gender specific)

TUYL

Timing is everything...

First: Although you have not hinted at the possibility, do not ask your spouse to be the messenger to his or her parents. You are the one feeling and expressing the frustration, and so this is an issue that is yours to directly handle.

Second: Speak up, and do so without alienating your in-laws. This requires great skill, an advanced sense of timing, and a great deal of poise on your part. Choose a time when anxiety is low – a time when you are all feeling good about life and each other.

Third: if you are successful, your in-laws will thank you for your insight and somewhat refrain from excessive shopping. You will need to remind them (playfully) of your chat several times over the course of a year.

Fourth: If you are unsuccessful, everyone will end up on bad terms, your in-laws won’t shop for the children again and your children and spouse will be as frustrated with you as you are with your in-laws.

Filed under Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Marriage and in-laws, Parenting/Children

How soon can a person have sex after the death of a spouse?

November 9, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

Your brief question leaves many unaddressed variables. That you desire sex might be considered a positive thing in the wake (no cheap pun intended) of your loss. Yet, if you have used sex in the past as an escape, rather than as a means to contributing to a mutual, respectful, and equal relationship, you will be furthering behavior that is ultimately destructive for you. Then, if you adhere to a faith tradition which precludes you from engaging in sex outside of marriage, you might find some short-term relief in sexual behavior, but you will ultimately self-inflict emotional and spiritual discord.

But I will assume you, an adult who has endured a significant loss, are understandably reaching out for love and affection.

Three things:

1. You are not betraying the deceased.
2. You and your faith tradition decide on when is acceptable to you to have sex (it is not up to anyone else).
3. You will take into account that sexual behavior is never purely recreational.

It is impossible to do something so profoundly intimate with your body that doesn’t also impact every other aspect of your emotional and spiritual life.

Filed under Affairs, Agape, Anger, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Friendship, Grace, Grief, Listening, Living together, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Voice

Ritual dialogue for a healty couple….

October 29, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 2 Comments

“I will not get in your way. You may work where you choose, worship where you choose, and have all the friends you need and want. If you want to further your education I will do all I can to support you. You are absolutely free and do not require my permission for anything. I know the trust that we have developed between us gives me the confidence to know that you will always choose well and wisely, and when and if you do not choose well and wisely, I know your unwise choices do not arise out of an intentional desire to damage yourself, our relationship, or me.”

“I, in turn, will not get in your way. I will create space for our mutual benefit, work hard for our mutual enrichment, and honor the respect the trust we have built up over the years we have known each other. While I know I do not require your permission to enlarge my life through developing my career, and by developing many meaningful friendships, or enjoying a life of discipline and worship, I will willingly use the freedom that is inherently mine for our continued and mutual benefit.”

“Lighthouse” – friend, and reader, develops the theme —: “I will not (covertly) get in your way. I will collaborate with you prior to committing significant time, money, emotional resources and/or physical effort to ensure that our expectations are aligned with our mutually beneficial goals. I will do what I say so your trust in me is earned. When we have not explicitly agreed something, my actions will honor our relationship nonetheless. I will encourage you to uphold your agreements and thank you for your efforts every day regardless of the results. I will engage when reality doesn’t match our expectations so we may learn from the experience, forgive those that failed to keep their word and forget the situation. I dedicate the time to talk with you because it is the exchange of such emotional intimacies that differentiates our deepening love from that of my love for family and friends.” (Thanks, “Lighthouse,” for your valuable and beautiful contribution)

Filed under Agape, Attraction, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Growing up, Leadership, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Re-marriage, Responsive people, Schnarch, Second marriages, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual compatibility, Voice

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