He’s (She’s) divorced! How can I know he’s (she’s) ready to date…..

July 20, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

How to know it’s “a go” when dating someone who is divorced…

1. His/her divorce has been finalized (that means completed) for more than a year.
2. He/she takes appropriate responsibility for his or her part in the breakdown of the former marriage.
3. He/she wants a healthy spiritual, emotional, and intellectual relationship with a diverse range of people before becoming intimately involved with any one person.

It MUST get rough to get better

It will be a rough ride if red flags are ignored.....

4. He/she is involved in his/her children’s lives and willingly, generously, and punctually pays child support.
5. He/she places a high priority on rearing his/her own children, while being respectful toward your children and your relationship with them.
6. He/she can conduct meaningful conversations with the former spouse about matters pertaining to the children. That the divorce is REAL is clear – so there are no intimate, or “throw-back” conversations.
7. He/she is very respectful of marriage, sex, the opposite sex, despite the previous breakdown.
8. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with his/her former spouse or persons associated with the former marriage.
9. He/she remains non-anxious by your occasional encounters with your former spouse or persons associated with your former marriage.
10. He/she has deep regard for the time and patience required to establish new relationships and is willing allow necessary time for intimacy to properly develop.

Filed under Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Family, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Living together, Long distance relationships, Marriage, Past relationships, Re-marriage, Recovery, Second marriages, Sex education, Step parenting, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Young Love Tagged with ,

Can abuse stop?

July 13, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

“Can abusive behavior like controlling behavior, badgering, jealousy about other relationships, monitoring things like a partner’s phone, and physical pushing, shoving behavior and even more violent outbursts stop?”

[Yes – but often not within the same entanglement. With close counsel and strong third party monitoring (at least for a period of time) the perpetrator can gain insight, grow, and self-monitor his or her use of unhelpful and destructive interpersonal behaviors.

While it is NEVER the victim’s responsibility (no one is sufficiently powerful to make another abusive) a lot can hinge on the degree of “fed-up-ness” within the victim.

Abuse (all categories) continues and intensifies when the victim covers for the perpetrator, “rewrites” the behavior, excuses it, or when the victim feels he or she deserves to be poorly treated.

Most perpetrators will back off (at least temporarily) when met with a sound and early refusal to allow an abusive repertoire within the relationship’s behavior cycle.

It is never the victim who causes the abusive behavior, but the victim must immediately remove him or herself from the abuse (which is seldom easy because people are attracted to persons who are similarly relationally mature or immature) or the behavior will intensify.

Filed under Affairs, Anger, Anxiety, Attraction, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Divorce, Domination, Faith, Family, High maintenance relationships, Manipulation, Reactivity, Recovery, Sex education, Sex matters, Sexual abuse, Sexual compatibility, Space, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice Tagged with , ,

We are in a sinking ship….

May 16, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“My husband became friends with a girl at work. He started staying at work longer than before. Then he started taking 4 or 5 hour hikes with a few ‘male friends.’ Big surprise! I found out that it was with her and only her. Anyway, she moved a thousand miles away. I thought we could once again be his best friend and get back to normal. After a year he tells me that he doesn’t love me and that he hasn’t since last year. He said he didn’t cheat. I explained that even if he never even kissed her, confiding his feelings to her and not to me is a form of cheating. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we are in a sinking ship. I’m the only one trying to bail us out. He’s waiting for it to sink. I still do dearly love him.” (Letter shortened)

I like the metaphor – but there are three ships: yours, his, and the marriage. Bail out your own ship (work on yourself), let him worry about his (don’t try and rescue him) and the marriage ship will take care of itself (which does not men it will survive). Until you love yourself more than you love him you will all go down.

Filed under Affairs, Agape, Anxiety, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Double standards, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Marriage, Recovery, Schnarch, Spousal abuse, Therapeutic Process, Trust, Victims, Violence, Voice, Womanhood

I am a no-name-brand woman…..

May 4, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“I am a ‘no-name-brand woman’ you wrote about. If my husband is favouring a good mood then he will use his made up name for me but never my Christian name. When I insist it is like water off a duck’s back and he uses such a long drawn out tone that I feel like a fool. After so many years of this indifferent approach I have pulled back and do not initiate intimacy. It seems he does not need closeness in his marriage and finds being loving too much of an effort. God forbid he holds my hand in public or puts his arm around me. If we need to walk anywhere he sets the pace and I am left walking 10 paces behind. I am still attractive and have a lovely figure so why does he resent being happy and proud of his wife? He is the breadwinner and always reminds us of that fact and thinks that he provides enough and does not need to provide emotions as well.” (Edited)

You got here together! Take responsibility for cooperating with rudeness and disregard. Become an expert on your behavior, not his. Until you get a voice and are prepared to lose your marriage you will be treated with callous indifference.

Filed under Agape, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination

Do you live an emotional nightmare?

April 12, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 2 Comments

You walk on eggshells. You fear fallout – yet you wish for it. You say something then – wish you hadn’t. You know that no matter how innocent or insignificant the conflict, whatever occurs will get magnified out of all proportion. Innocent statements will be misinterpreted, misquoted, and repeated incorrectly forever. You feel trapped by what is supposed to be love but have second thoughts (actually a million thoughts!) about how love is supposed to feel.

You are usually wrong and you are told you are stupid. When you admit fault, even stupidity, you are at fault for admitting it. When you are right, you are wrong for saying so, or, you think you are perfect and trying to show others up. If you are silent you are avoiding conflict. If you speak out you are “looking for trouble.”

In your intimate whirlpool white is black, black is white and the water is very murky. Innocence is guilt. Pointing out obvious error is entrapment. You are exhausted with the load of meeting the emotional needs of someone who cannot, or will not, take responsibility for his or her own needs. You “share” life with an emotional piranha and yet, for some unfathomable reason, you stay, feeling unable to escape.

Filed under Betrayal, Blended families, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce

I’m crazy about him……

March 29, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“I have been with my husband for 21 years now, married for 19. I loved him madly when we met and could not wait to get married and have kids. Have three gorgeous boys (18, 16, and 11). My husband has beaten me and cheated on me. He has another child with another woman who is only 3-years-old – all while we have been married. His children hate him and don’t respect him at all. Now I have met another guy and I’m crazy about him. He has even asked me to leave my husband and I’m seriously considering it, but why am I so scared of taking this step? Help me please.”

it will be from the fire, into the fire.....

Being “crazy” about someone is exactly that: crazy. Until you find some peace with your marriage, or until you are free of it for a year or two, any man who shows you some thoughtfulness and attention will appear as a knight in shining armor. Don’t confuse attention with love.

Leaving your husband (a scary thought even for women in the worst of circumstances) given his abusive behavior ought to be given consideration. Hooking up with some guy you are crazy about ought to terrify you. Don’t do it. Not yet, anyway.

Filed under Agape, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Double standards

I feel like a “girlfriend with benefits”…..

November 10, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“I expressed to my partner that I was feeling like a ‘girlfriend with benefits’ or a ‘convenient mistress.’ He was offended, yet when (by my choice) our relationship was no longer physically intimate and he was preparing wages for his domestic, he observed that he should perhaps pay me for ‘services not rendered’. He has expressed some objection to taking me out, paying for the evening, and then having to say goodbye at the door and go home.” (Edited)

TUYL

Thanks for writing...

If you really want a date with this man I’d suggest you pay your own way. While he perceives paying for an evening out with you as a trade for “benefits,” and you cooperate with his wishes because he has spent money on you, then you are indeed little more than a hired mistress. Apparently the space between you has become clouded and toxic. Your unique wants have polarized the two of you and it is probably time to call it quits.

Filed under Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Double standards

Ten, no 11, reminders for divorced “couples”:

November 4, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

TUYL

This is someone you once loved....

1. Your former spouse is a person whom you once loved.
2. Your former spouse has a family that was once also yours.
3. Your children will benefit from seeing that people who disagree are also able to work together.
4. It is possible to be cordial and cooperative even after a marriage has broken down, even after there has been infidelity, even after there have been cruel words spoken.
5. While the divorce is final and painful, the good memories remain good memories, the love once shared was once real.
6. Little is gained by speaking negatively of your former spouse or former in-laws.
7. Children will have a natural resistance to new partners, lovers, or spouses – to moving house or schools as a result of your decisions to divorce.
8. Using children as a means to getting what you need and want is hardly helpful to the well being of the children.
9. Having “adult” meetings – with all the adults present – to talk about co-parenting is probably a good idea.
10. It is possible to find joy and happiness even after divorce.
11. Sometimes (in response to trauma), life becomes a series of approximations, adaptations, of negotiated positions, which ultimately form into a renewed platform for a fulfilling life which, while within the immediate turmoil, no one can see or imagine.

Filed under Agape, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, Voice Tagged with ,

My children manipulate their stepmother….

October 26, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“My son (12) and my daughter (14) don’t like their stepmother but when they play their cards right for her she buys them stuff. I don’t like to see my children manipulating to get things from her. Should I step in and say something? We are not really on good terms with each other.”

Let then be...

Let then be...

I’ll be the first to admit that the challenges I will place before you are most difficult to achieve – but I repeat: parenting is for grown ups; successful co-parenting is for saints. So…

Do all you can to get on good terms with the other woman who is co-parenting your children. I am not suggesting you become bosom pals but “cordial adults” would be a helpful arrangement for all concerned.

Avoid stepping into the mix with your children and their stepmother. All three have a lot to teach each other. Approaches from you will hinder the process. While no parent wants to see his or her children develop manipulative habits, this is a matter for you to directly address with your children. Your children will manipulate if it works, and will not, if it doesn’t. Take care of how they treat you, and allow their stepmother to discover her own unique relationship with her stepchildren.

Filed under Adolescence, Agape, Anger, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Education, Faith, Family, Growing up, High maintenance relationships, Listening, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Second marriages, Single parenting, Spousal abuse, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother, Teenagers, Triggers, Trust, Victims, Voice Tagged with ,

He checks everything as if I have a history of indiscretions…..

September 20, 2009 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

“My husband checks my emails, my cell phone and computer history, and my credit card statements. He also grills me daily about my conversations. He’d really prefer me not to work so he knows where I am and what I am doing but we need the money. You’d think I have a history of indiscretions the way he goes on. He’ll even know I have written this email to you and he won’t be happy about it. What can I do?”

Stand up to him....

Stand up to him....

Somehow, and potentially at great cost, you are going to have to take back the legitimate power you have over your life. Jealousy and controlling behavior are NEVER signs of love. The man has a virus and cooperating with it (the virus) will only make things worse. While you have been conditioned to think you have few or no options, you have more than you realize.

Understanding you will pay for your actions, stand up to him, change your passwords – do whatever it takes to secure your privacy. That you have nothing to hide doesn’t mean anyone (even your husband) ought to have the freedom to look. Men who have the need to control their wives usually have real control over little else. If, as a result of your stand, he gets a life of his own, he won’t have the need to monitor or be so consumed with yours.

Filed under Affairs, Agape, Anger, Betrayal, Boundaries, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Divorce, Domination, High maintenance relationships, Triangles, Victims, Violence, Voice

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