My brother steals from us…..

July 26, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“My younger brother (19) just got out of jail with nowhere to go because our mother has kicked him out for good. He walked to my dad’s who, with loving arms opened his home to his him. He has been here for four weeks but after two weeks he picked back up on his old life: smoking pot, stealing money from us, lying, not coming home, and lying more. My mother (our parents are divorced) catered to this lifestyle for about two years until she had nothing left. I cannot bear to see this happen to my dad. My brother is the sweetest kid in the whole world but a habitual liar and a thief. I have begged my dad to kick him out but he is still under the illusion that his son might change.”

Rod Smith / 1964 - got to do something unexpected or you can expect the same results....

Rod in about 1962!

You have as much power over your dad as all of you have over your brother. It took your mother two years to reach a point that you want for your father to reach in a month. Until your brother sees the light and your father sees his enabling role, all of you better lock your valuables in a safe place.

Do all you can to stay out of the middle, to allow your brother and father to have to face each other, and increase your tolerance for your father’s pain. While this might sound hard or uncaring, nothing will change for your family while everyone is doing what everyone has always done The healthiest person in the family usually holds important keys for beginning transformational processes, and it can’t happen without the willingness to upset the applecart, and sometimes, even watch it crash.

While ANYONE but your brother assumes responsibility for your brother, he will continue to use behavior that has worked for him in the past – and something must be working if he keeps repeating it.

It is important for you to see that you are not responsible for either of these grown men in your life. You are responsible to each, but not for each – understanding the difference will make a world of difference for you and even potentially for your father and your brother.

Filed under Adolescence, Anger, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Family, Forgiveness, Friendship, Grace, Grief, Growing up, Listening, Love, Manipulation, Parenting/Children, Teenagers, Victims, Violence, Voice Tagged with , , ,

My grandson breaks things in our home….

July 22, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

Fortify your boundaries and stay out of control

Clarify what you expect in your own home

“My grandson (7) has broken numerous electrical and other items whilst visiting at our home. My daughter and son-in-law think it is okay not to offer to compensate or repair the items. When I ask them what they intend to do about my damaged goods they are silent. I believe the father needs to set the example by attempting to repair the items. That way the boy learns by example. He learns that if we break other people’s item, then we are responsible for fixing them or making good.”

1. Supervise the child – this matter is about the adults, not the child. You, the grandparent, are empowered to make his visits a joy.
2. Gather old irons and toasters for the boy to work on while at your home.
3. Get him a set of tools to keep at your home.
4. Sit with the boy and request he teach you how things work as he dismantles used electrical items you have collected and set aside for him.
5. Place his usual targets, your valued items, out of his sight for a short time.
6. Pack everything already broken in a box and ask the family (as a group) what it intends to do to repair the damages.
7. Be prepared for some conflict as you articulate your expectations for what occurs in your home. Your intent appears to include “fixing” something about your son-in-law. Quit it. Focus on creating a fabulous (real, forthright, fun, flexible, and fascinating) experience for your grandchild every time he walks through your door.

Filed under Boundaries, Children, In-laws, Parenting/Children

Teenagers are constantly in conflict…..

July 14, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“My children, a daughter who is 17 and a son who is 19, are fiercely competitive and hardly anything either says goes unchallenged by the other. They verbally attack each other at every opportunity. Please comment?”

Talking it through in a public place.....

Try to stay out of their conflicts. I am aware of just how difficult this is but it is important that they learn to cope with each other without the services of a go-between to assist, or someone who short-circuits their unfortunate, but necessary process. The minute you “jump in” or are pulled in, is the minute you help them avoid responsibility for a conflict of their making – and become responsible for the monitoring of its outcome.

Being piggy in the middle is ALWAYS a very draining, anxiety-producing experience for piggy, especially when piggy in the middle is mom or dad.

Your son and daughter are going to be siblings for many years, perhaps for even longer than they will each know you! The sooner they learn to accommodate and love each other the better off each will be. Learning to love and accept each other will do all of their other relationships a whole lot of good.

Discerning your level of intervention will always be your call. I believe your intervention is necessary if blows are exchanged or if unabashed cruelty occurs.

Call a meeting. Have “dinner with a purpose”. Meet them in a crowded restaurant where it is unlikely that tempers will flair and where they will be unlikely to become loud or aggressive. Let them know the degree of grief you experience when they are continually at each other’s throats. Let them know how a parent feels when his or her children seem unable to get along.

Heart-to-heart conversations can go a long way to building bridges that will be necessary to one day walk cross. I do it with my own children (12 and 9) and I am always surprised at how much it means to them, and how much they take our “dinners with a purpose” to heart*. I know, I know: my children are younger and it is probably much easier when dinner with dad is something exciting. But, this is your opportunity to parent with a purpose – and I challenge you to make it happen.

* We even have “meeting chairs” in our home and we only really sit in them for “serious” or “important” conversations.

Filed under Adolescence, Children, Communication, Parenting/Children, Single parenting, Teenagers, Triangles

Flying with children – 10 ways to make it to cloud 9!

July 9, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

Flying with children? It’s a pleasure – usually. Long hauls, short hauls – bring it on. I accessed our multiple frequent flyer accounts, having just gotten home to the Midwest (USA) from Sydney, Australia, to see my sons (8 and 12) and I have up racked up well over a million miles – and most of it as a family. My elder son had Premier Executive status with United Airlines by age 2.

If you and your children are flying anywhere this summer here are some ways to make flying with children a delight:

Ohare and my boys....

1. Anxiety is contagious – so relax. Get your focus off your children. Quit worrying about how they will behave, whether the baby will cry or not, and all the things that so easily get a parent going. Worrying upsets children. The calmer you are, the calmer your children will be.

2. Trust your children. By age seven each of my sons could find his way around several terminals, check himself into a flight, handle his passport, and respond to questions from customs and immigration officials. My sons have not had to do any unaccompanied flying, but I have used endless hours in airports, often during unexpected layovers around the world to teach them everything they need to know about being international travelers.

3. Trust most of your fellow passengers. You’re sitting in airports and on planes with parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts – people who don’t know your children but who know children. Recruit help when you need it. As a single dad I had to regularly ask someone to hold the baby while I ushered my toddler to the restroom.

4. Trust the flight crew. I am yet to encounter an unfriendly flight attendant when it comes to my children. Flight attendants have taken my children on walks, entertained them in the galley, and yes, even quite recently have taken them into the cockpit!

Nathanael seated across the aisle

5. Regard flying as an exciting slice of real life – not something tedious and overwhelming. It’s a joyous adventure, not a life-sentence! It’s only as big a deal as you make it.

6. Get over the uptight, sighing, dirty-stare passenger who feels above flying near a baby or with children. Your children have as much right to fly as any other ticketed passengers. If Mr. Grumpy World Traveler is bemoaning your child’s presence on a plane, imagine what he’s like at home with his children.

7. Don’t medicate children for your convenience – on or off the plane. Doing so will probably work against you one day.

8. Teach you children cabin etiquette and how things work – just as you teach good hygiene and table manners. Overhead lights, window shades, upright seatbacks, fold-down tables, using call-lights, seat belts, and the uses and rules associated with each are very interesting to young children – the sooner the children know cabin etiquette the better.

They've seen the world, but LOVE Indy!

9. Let your children speak for themselves. My children regularly ask to switch their kid’s meal option for an adult meal – and usually end up with both! They repeatedly ask how many hours are left in the flight, or what city is immediately below us, and personal questions about the captain. Don’t get in the middle or run interference. Flight crews, often also parents, can handle your children and a whole lot more. Trust them.

10. As far as it is possible, only use carry-on baggage. This speeds progress though airports and increases flexibility when there are flight changes or cancellations. Efficiency means less time and opportunity for moodiness! From as young as possible (I chose 6), let each child be fully responsible for his or her own possessions. Each of my boys packs his own bag, monitors its whereabouts at all times, and is fully responsible for getting it on and off the plane. I don’t allow my children to pack their things in my bags and nor do I put my stuff in their bags. I do not allow them to help each other out with their luggage. Such “helping” is not helpful as it only adds to confusion and finger-pointing when things go missing or, if for any reason, stress levels increase.”You pack it, you care for it, you carry it” – is one of our many mottoes.

(Rod Smith, a single parent to two boys each adopted at birth, teaches internationally for Youth With a Mission in the summers, and at St. Richard’s School in Indianapolis during the academic year. Rod is a Family Therapist, writer, and teacher.)

Filed under Adolescence, Anxiety, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships, Family, Parenting/Children, Step parenting, Stepfather, Stepmother

Our daughter is very fearful…..

July 1, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

“Our daughter (10) is riddled with fear. She won’t sleep in her room, get up in the night without one of us getting up with her, or even enter her own room after dark to get her clothes for the next morning. She is able to speak very openly and graphically about her fears. Please shed some light on how we can handle this.”

No blame or shame...

Your child’s fears probably don’t originate with your child. This sounds like family anxiety passed from generation to generation and your daughter is the recipient of unresolved generational anxieties. An effective family therapist will serve you well. He or she will give everyone in the family (as many people and generations as your can gather for a meeting) assignments to explore the family’s unresolved complexities. Reconnecting with each other, being willing to sit down as a tribe will increase the likelihood of calming everyone in the family’s cumulative anxiety, even if at first it appears to make it worse.

Encourage your daughter to write her immediate and long-term goals. Encourage her to plan small steps of growth like being willing to sleep in her own room one or two nights a week. Do not punish her for her worries and concerns – they did not begin with her.

Filed under Agape, Boundaries, Children, Education, Faith, Family

I want to get rid of my son’s phone and the Internet – he uses them for porn…..

July 1, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

“My son (15) uses pornography on his cell-phone and on his computer. I think my husband and I should get rid of both. My husband disagrees. We are Christians and I will not allow this sort of thing in our house.”

Technology is not the problem. Monitoring your son’s use of technology is a wise thing to do but getting rid of his access to the Internet is unlikely to solve whatever issue your family has with pornography.

No blame or shame...

I’d suggest the three of you sit down and discuss the reasons you and your husband do not condone the use of pornography. Discuss the reasons men and women of all faiths are as prone to its use as those who proclaim no faith. Discuss with your son how the images off a page in a book or an image off a website is exactly that: an image. It is not a person with thoughts, feelings, and rights!

Such a discussion will require preparation and unity between you and your husband – it will require acts of purposeful, planned parenting. Dumping the boy’s phone and severing the Internet is easy – but such radical quick fixes will fix nothing and do nothing to enrich your relationship with your son.

Filed under Boundaries, Children, Communication, Difficult Relationships, Pornography

Mothers write about their sons and pornography…..

July 1, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Leave a Comment

I have heard from several mothers of sons (13 to 15) who are toying with Internet pornography. Each mother says her “good boy” who is doing bad things. All but one mother is hesitant to tell the boy’s father because of the father’s health condition or because of how the father will respond. The mothers express love and distress for the children and feel powerless about their sons’ activities. Each letter reads as if the very sky is falling!

it feels like the end....

To the mothers:

This is a tough situation but it is not the end of the world. Your son will emerge from this and be a successful man if he (not you) learns to handle his personal issues with some wisdom and restraint.

While you shoulder this alone you are being secretive (like your son) and are adding fuel his secretive front. Getting father involved allows the family to face a family issue (yes, pornography is a family issue).

Using pornography is not a “normal” phase for all boys. It is an addictive, abusive aberration – but your son will not refrain from its use if pushed, punished, or shamed. He is most likely to resist pornography if he understands why it’s damaging and learns about healthy sexuality from a caring, disinterested, adult whom is respects.

Filed under Boundaries, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Pornography

Dating a single mother sucks…..

May 29, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

“I suggested my girlfriend and her 4-year-old son move in with me. The second day I knew it was a bad idea. Dirty plates, food, clothes everywhere; disorder, chaos. Sometimes I hate the boy. He manipulates my girlfriend. He is destroying our relationship. We talk about it and she says, ‘He’s just a kid.’ He is hyperactive with ADD and she won’t use medicine. Every time we go to the cinemas we have to leave in the middle because the boy can’t sit still. In restaurants he is under the table and throws food. The boy NEVER has a punishment and now he punches us. I doubt our future. I don’t want the boy in my life. She rarely bathes him so he smells bad. She makes him to watch television on my bed and I hate to go to my bed and smell her child. I cannot rest in my bedroom. I really love her. My family says that i must leave her. Dating a single mother sucks.”

None of you is benefitting here....

So, how do you really feel? It seems mother and son need something you are not equipped to offer. Tell the woman your truth with the willingness to act upon it. This environment is not serving anyone of the three of you well.

Filed under Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication

The children run all over her…..

May 26, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

“I am single and seeing a woman in her thirties. She has two children (about 9 and 7) who run all over her. She has no idea how to discipline them. They need a strong man to discipline them and I think that is going to be me. Is this a good idea since I am probably not going to marry their mother?” (Heavily edited)

Why would you continue to date someone when you know you are probably not going to move toward marriage? This is only acceptable if you have told her you have no intentions of marrying her and she has agreed, given this knowledge, to continue seeing you.

While you are the obvious candidate to assist a mother who appears to you to be overwhelmed (my word not yours) the helpful challenge would be to empower the mother to be more effective. While the mother may invite, and even desire, your help with disciplining the children, it is not a good idea for the long haul.

If you get between parent and child you will find it tough when she inevitably sides with the children against you. Remember, “piggy in the middle” is fun for everyone, except piggy! Stay out of other people’s issues – especially when there is no formal commitment.

Filed under Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Difficult Relationships

The persistent challenge we all face in all relationships…..

May 24, 2010 by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT 1 Comment

Getting “lost” in a relationship, or over investing or over-functioning to the detriment of one’s well being, is very easy to do. The challenge of intimate relationships, including being a sibling, a son or daughter and a parent, having in-laws, growing and developing a career, is not only found in the desire for closeness, but also in the persistent challenge to maintain essential uniqueness. Unless you have both (togetherness and separateness – both at the same time and from the outset) the wheels will certainly ultimately fall off.

Becoming consumed happens between husbands and wives, parents and children, professionals and their jobs all the time. Such “losing” of oneself to another or to a job is often applauded as a mark of true commitment, dedication, the mark of a dedicated parent, spouse, or employee. In truth, distinctness, uniqueness, self-awareness, maintaining integrity, while also being deeply coupled or committed, is the mark or challenge of maturity.

If you do not define yourself in any relationship the relationship will define you. If you do not tell the world who you are and what you want, the world around you will impose its anxious shape upon you.

If you err on the side of deep connection, work on your uniqueness. If you tend toward independence, increase your capacity for deeper connection.

Filed under Anxiety, Attraction, Blended families, Boundaries, Children, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Space, Therapeutic Process, Triangles, Trust

← Older posts