Rod Smith
Rod Smith 1964 (Red Hill Primary, Durban)
I have had the privilege consulting with high-profile, conflicted families who have flown me half the way around the world to assist in finding some manner of resolution to seemingly insurmountable domestic or family-business dilemmas. Also, I have enjoyed the privilege of consulting with the poorest of the poor – inner-city families, and third-world families.
I chose, by my own will, voluntarily, (I think you get it!) to discontinue my popular Saturday editorial column (the resistance I got when I stopped led me to believe it was popular) which appeared for several years in The Indianapolis Star. Despite the belief of some readers that The Star cleared its deck of evangelical writers, this is not so in my case (or in the case of any other “Christian” writer as far as I know). After some three hundred 700-word columns on every imaginable topic – I decided I had said all I wanted to say to my gracious Indiana audience.
I did get a kick out of the suggestion that I was fired because I was too evangelical! Many “real Christian” readers accused me over the years of not being a Christian at all while some readers regularly told me that I was far too religious for their liking.
Education:
My degree in Family Therapy is from Butler University (1994) in Indianapolis. From what seems like another life, I have a Higher Diploma in Education (HDE in School Counseling a English) which followed a Bachelor Degree in Psychology and English Literature.
To make contact with me, or to set an appointment, write to:
Rod@DifficultRelationships.com OR respond to this website by making a “comment”
Call me on my cellphone (USA) 317 694 8669
What others say:
“I don’t really like the word guru, but I’m struggling to find a better way to describe Rod Smith. I met him when I was a brash sixteen year old with a mountain of insecurities hidden behind a carefully crafted persona of cocky self confidence. Rod was able to see through my disguises and to help me find a way through to who I could become. But more than that, I found that he liked me for me who I was and, wonderfully, more than 20 years later, he still does. In fact, he traveled to help my team and me in the UK (from his home in the USA) when we were facing seemingly insoluble issues. Then he also hosted all of us, a rambling carnival of faith, hope and rock n roll, in his home in the US. He has always stayed connected with me, though we’re now separated by many years and a ocean to boot. He is a wise man, a true friend, and someone I trust to speak clearly, honestly, and without thought to his own benefit… rare and wonderful things in these cynical times. Listen to what he has to say… you’ll be a better person for it.”
Tre Sheppard
Lead singer onehundredhours/Director EngageHIV
”Rod is as good with a secular audience as he is with a bunch of pastors.” DTS Staff, Amsterdam.
“I learned more by watching you with your child than from anything you said. I am amazed a man can fly all over the world with an infant and without any help!” Norman, Fiji Islands.
“Rod Smith is the most provocative speaker I have ever heard.” Julie, Auckland, New Zealand
”No one has challenged my thinking about love and relationships as radically as Rod Smith. He was an excellent speaker for our church retreat.” Peter, Indianapolis.
“Rod, your book on manners is excellent. We laughed all the way to Chicago as my son read it to us — using your accent!” Christine, Indianapolis.
“Really, Mr. Smith. If someone reads your ‘manners book’ who doesn’t know YOU they will think you are nuts!” Drew B. (13)
“Thanks for the questions to all the answers I had,” Masters Student, England
Morning Rod-sama,
You truly have an amazing insight into humanity.
May I have your response on two issues please?..
1. Will you be conducting any further presentations in South Africa in the near future? I am based in Durban.
2. Would you be prepared to accept an ‘uchi-deshi’ (in-house apprentice/disciple) for a period of time of your comfort?
Keep holding up the light for so many, reflecting back with appreciation.
With admiration,
Bob
‘Striving to be proud of everything I do today’.
Dear Rod,
I’m recently involved with a girl I know since middle school. she was married and recently divorced with 2 kids and i love them all very much… my relationship is fine other than i feel great insecurity about her x-husband… plus i “tell” myself that I must be better and bigger than him (in bsns, life, brains, etc.). and i dont think this is healthy or right… what can i do to make these feelings go away? what can my partner do to help?
thank you very much, congratulations on this wonderful site!
Hi Rod
Kerry here, Marshalls sister.
Can I call you sometime?
x
Hi,
I have a question regarding my daughter-in-law. I hope that you might give some advice. She controls every move my son makes. I know it is up to him to let it continue. But, they have been married for 14 years and it only gets worse. I keep my mouth shut about that!
If I visit them for a day, we can have a great time and I leave thinking that was a nice visit.
But the next time I talk to my son all he does is complain about the problems that I created the last time I visited. Apparently, she does nothing but complain about me and makes family life miserable until he agrees with her. I have tried to talk to her about this, but she denies there are any problems. She also makes comments to me like; You are stupid to love so much. She also said she does not want her kids to be close to me. We are now at the point where I am not even allowed to have their phone number or address. I am at a loss as to what to do. I am crushed not to be able to see my grandchildren or my son. My son does call once in awhile and has tried to control me much in the same way. The last time he called he told me that I could not be a part of his family unless I went to church and did whatever he told me to do! I was stunned.
How would you classify her/their behavior/personalities? Is there anyway that I can reverse this situation? I suggested that we all go to counseling and was delighted when both son and daughter-in-law agreed. However, before I could make an appointment, my daughter-in-law told my son that she had visited with a counselor and explained all of her problems with me. She said the counselor agreed with her 100% that I was the cause of all the problems! She says now that she does not need counseling and of course I do.
I have no idea what she says to my son about me that makes him so submissive. I have no idea what problems I cause. I have asked but never get an answer. Please help! I am about to give up and walk away. I am just drained.
I guess you don’t help people unless there is money involved! Thanks you phoney…
Hi Sharon:
…… you’d be surprised!
Peace,
Rod
I doubt it!
Hello Rod
I have this issue , i am the only lovable son of my parents and we have a good network of uncles and aunts ..After my marriage ..my wife is quite disillusioned with all my relatives since there were instances where she was not treated the way she expected when we visited them .. Now they want to visit us and my wife is creating a havoc of not having them .. i have told her that it is just a question of 2 3 weeks we will treat them as guests and move on ..but she fails to understand and forcing me to tell them not to come !!! what do i do …
San
Hi Rod,
I have never been to your site before, I literally just ran across it and am hoping maybe you can give me some advise.
My situation is this… My best friend and I have known eachother for almost 8 yrs. I have been in love with him for about 5. He knows how I feel, but when I realized how much I cared he was in a relationship. They even had a child together. They ended the relationship about 1 1/2 yrs ago and she is dating someone new but continually professes her love for him still. He doesnt want to have anything to do with her in that way. He also began working with me and even relocated to living with me to get out of a bad family living situation. His ex has actually moved with his family since she lost her job. So he is living 2 hrs away with me while she is down there living with his sisters. He says he loves me but he is not ready for a relationship. We are not intimate, but we are together basically 24/7. Occasionally he will try to get me to go out on dates since he says he is not ready yet and doenst know when he will be and says that he doesnt want me to wait for him. I feel really stuck. I have tried to tell him that while I have feelings for him I cannot remain friends with him if we never go anywhere simply because as long as he is in my life I feel as though I will never fall in love with someone else.
His ex really broke his heart. He honestly felt that it was forever and he gave himself completely to him. However she cheated and lied and destroyed him. Now I am the only woman he trusts and talks to. He hasnt even been with anyone since her. My dilemma is this… do I try to wait to see what develops? do I walk away? What do I do?? I am so confused. And everytime people see us together they always think we are married. and it doesnt help that he is very affectionate with me, arms around me, flirting with me, wrestling with me and so forth. But thats how its been for 7 yrs. what do i do? please help… sincerely,
Stuck
Dear San:
I hope you see this:
Cutting off from either of your extended families will be of little or no benefit to your new marriage. I’d suggest you encourage your wife to talk to your (now also her) relatives about what it is that has upset her and to face her issues with the (her) family herself. Now that you are married it is not “your family” or “her family” but the families you both share. Refuse to play “piggy in the middle.” Get out of her way, let her handle her family issues herself.
Rod
Dear Rod,
I have a friend named Robert who I go to college with. I have always been incredibly attracted to him (mostly physically). For about the past two years he has dated one of my friends. This year he and I became closer friends. He opened up to me and I really appreciate it. However, I am almost convinced that he is an alcoholic/ has rage problems. And I recently found out that he was abusive to my friend when they were dating. But somehow, even after all this I still find him attractive and mysterious in some way and I still want to pursue something with him and I can’t control it. Do you have any ideas for why this might be?
Thank you,
Marie
Dear Marie:
Stay clear – this will not lead to love, peace or joy. If he’s been abusive before he will abuse you. I have counseled with many women who were (are) attracted to the “darker” side of some men. It is as if their knowledge that the man is controlling (his rage indicates he is controlling) offers some kind of a perverse challenge.
Listen to your own sound voice of reason – the voice within you that writes this letter to me – rather than the seductive voice that calls to you from somewhere deep within his troubled self and resonates powerfully within the rescuer in you.
Rod Smith
So I havent seen any reply from you regarding my situation… Did I do something wrong? am I not doing this correctly? I see others leave comments and you respond. I leave one and get nothing… Am i suppose to leave money somewhere or something to get you to respond? Or is my situation not valid enough for your response… confused… and still
STUCK
I am sorry — you have done nothing wrong and NO, you do not have to pay any money — and I will get to your letter later today……… sometimes there is so much mail that letters can fall through the cracks…. please forgive me.
Rod
Dear Stuck:
You will find your letter and my response posted today. Go to “home” on this site.
I hope you get yourself UNSTUCK soon.
Rod
Hi Rod,
Just been perusing your site and wanted to drop a hello to you and the boys. Plans are still a go to pursue my MS in Clin. Psych @ Vanguard next fall. Moving back to Cali come this summer. Thats the 411 on me. Perhaps we can Skype or catch up on cell sometime?
much Aloha Rod!
Hi Rod,
Thanks for visiting my site and for your comments. Your site is great, and you provide a lot of valuable insight for your readers. Thanks for sharing it with everyone.
Christy
Thank You for your reply, I didnt mean it to sound as if you OWED me a response, I was just confused if I did this incorrectly. I hear what you are saying, I guess it’s just hard to hear. He really is and was hurt by her, I witnessed what she did to him, he was ready to marry her and she ran off and married someone else while he was away visiting family. She is really not right in the head. He is paying child support but his daughter is currently in Argentina with his parents while he is working and going to school while living with me. He is paying bills while staying with me. He continues to say he is not ready nor is he interested in ANYONE at this point. All his interests right now lie with his daughter and himself getting on his own two feet. Which I have been through and completely understand. If I kick him out right now, he will have no choice but to quit school and move back to his very disfunctional sisters house where his ex is mostly staying and possibly sleeping with his sisters husband… ?? I dont know what is wrong with this woman and why no one has kicked her out. I think its because with her being the mother of his child, they will continue to help her with places to stay and other friendship and such support. But I am starting to feel played. I just cant tell, I know he cares, I know he loves me, I just dont know if he will ever be ready to move forward with our relationship. He says he cant say never, just not right now. Still Stuck, but I have decided if when he moves out after graduating from school, if we dont move forward… I am moving on. Thanks again Rod,
Still unfortunately,,, stuck — for now.
Hey Rod
We’ve been thinking of you so much last night and today – Hope that you have had an awesome birthday. Know that you have been thought of and prayed for and hope that you and the boys are well. Do you still have your email address – not sure how to reach you except via this blog
With Love
Rob & Pam
I sent you an email – if you get this via the blog, send your number to me at Rod@DifficultRelationships.com and I will call you. Love to you all too, and I did have a wonderful birthday, thanks, Rod
Dear Rod,
I just came to terms with the fact that I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship. I’ve browsed the site trying to find advise, but I can’t seem to find what really helps. See the relationship is between me and my mother. In addition to putting me down and invalidating my feelings, she uses symbolic violence (and I have seen real domestic violence growing up so it terrified me), and she manipulates me. I thought things would get better as I grew up, but now in my twenties she still attempts to control my life. I’m working on moving out, but when I do the situation will explode. I’ve got a few months before then.
She believes all psychologists do is blame everything on the parents, so she will never agree to go see one with me or on her own. When I try to get help, she tells me to “honor thy mother and father.”
Is there any advice you can on getting independence from a total control situation and still salvage the relationship? I mean you can’t divorce your parents.
please help,
Alice
Dear Rod,
I posted the letter on march 28th- ‘he cant handle his drink’.
I only checked back on the blog to see if anyone had replied today and I noticed the advise given was the same as that which I have been given today by a friend after yet another episode of horendous treatment from my partner.
He has become unemployed again as of monday and since then he went out drinking sunday afternoon, monday night and wednesday night. Monday he ignored all my calls while he was out saying ‘its rude to answer the phone whilst talking to people’. When I confronted him and said I was upset about that he went off into one of his mental moods, emotionally abusing me untill I backed down. I ended up apologising to him for crying and making him angry.
This lead me to go to a friends house, who has heard all of the tales about my relationship and has always given me good advise. But me and her both know untill I stop following my heart and listen to what I already know im always going to go back.
However last night I started to realise this is a form of abuse and I am going to eventually have a break down over this. I always thought I was strong bottling all this up and getting on with life- forgiving and forgetting. I realise now that this is only going to lead to me having issues in later life and becoming ill.
Basically the long and short of it is after this I decided to give him an ultimatum when he rang me the next day. I said we cannot possibly continue like this- you need to give up alcohol and you need to want to change contact me when you have made your decision.
After some time apart he told me he has decided to give up alcohol and to fundamentally try and change how he treats me. He has never said anything of the sort before.
Do you think this is worth another chance?
Barbara
Dear Rod,
I am the grandmother of a 14yr old boy. He has lived with me with his father since school age. Our life has been a living hell because of the mother, she and my son are not married. She is a vioatle person and most of the time hostile. We have tried very hard to appease her to keep peace. When my grandson goes to her house, usually a couple of days a week, sometimes less she becomes enraged at him. He is a good boy and it is her as she tries to put too many demands on him with house chores plus most anything gets her angry. She will call my home and scream at my son. This is not his problem as she should be able to run her household. On Sunday April 13, I picked up Bryan from her home around 7:00 P:M, I do not go in, he comes out. Around 8:00P:M she calls my son, screaming at him that she wants Bryan’s IPod that she bought him for Xmas and she was on her way over to get it. We have seen her rages many times over the years and I told my son not to open the door. He did so to hand her the IPod, she is always throwing this in Bryan’s face that SHE bought IPOD. I got upset and told her that I would buy him and IPOD. I went to grab my screen door to shut it as I wanted her to leave, she was standing on the porch..She grabbed the door and in a threatening matter said,Don’t you shut the door on me! My son then sort of moved her off the porch and he thought we might get into a physical altercation which I would not but I don’ t know what she would have done. When she left after a few minutes, I called the police to file a complaint. It is on file with the police department. This has never happened to me as I try to stay away from her because of her hostility.The police suggested we get a restraining order. We are not sure what to do as she might cause more trouble for Bryan. My question is, can I sue her for harrassment and anything else for money as that would surely get her attention. My late husband and I have provided for Bryan, financially since he started kindergarten, he is now in the eighth grade. She has never provided him with any necessities. We pay for schoolexpenses, clothes, dental care, activities. My son was injured at work and is now in ligitation because of a back injury. He has no income. When he was working, child support went to her and since Bryan lives here, she spent it on her household..She also claims Bryan and gets the income tax every year. She has a 9yr. old daughter who lives with her and she has a 16yr. old son who is in same situation, living with paternal grandparents. They also pay everything for him and she gets child support from the father. She also gets housing and food stamps. This is why I would like to sue her for money. I want her to stop harassing me and my household.
Thank you,
Delta Reschke
Dear Rod,
This is a belated thanks for speaking to the BRANCH Brit. Lit. class several weeks ago. It was a memorable and powerful experience as you discussed The Lord of the Flies with the students. They were mesmerized (as I was) as you wove the salient points, imagery, your own experience and questions together. They were also challenged by a number of things that you said: Beauty vs. Brutality in the book but also in life, taking responsiblity, and also writing the “book” that’s within each of us. It will long be remembered by each of us!
When Julie mentioned that you were coming, I was excited. I was one of your many unknown fans when you wrote the Indianapolis Star columns years ago. I’ll never forget the ones when you received the boys you adopted and traveled alone with them. As I read your words I cried, laughed, thought, and often read parts aloud to my spouse. I was sad when you stopped writing; however, I’m delighted that I can now read more of your wisdom online.
Thanks again, and many blessings,
Charla Feeney (the other mom in the 2nd row)
how do you start a topic on here?after 20 years of smoking I quit..it’s been 9 weeks now.my question is..do you consider it disrespectful if your other half smokes around you..I’m completely miserable..and can’t stand the smell of it in my home..it’s hard to keep a positive mind, when you have no emtional support…I want out of my marriage..not because of the smoking but because I’ve grown and realized that i’ve always done things without the support of my husband..and feel there is no love on my part.been together for 25 years..i’m 45..he’s 63..I’ve grown he hasn’t..but I feel trapped..because i don’t have a job or the experience to go out on my own..we have two sons together..22 and 15..need advise please;(my email add is sandra_desousa@hotmail.com why i’m still here i think is out of guilt.
Hi, I have just ended a 2 year affair and would like to share my experience here. Can someone show me how do i submit my story?
Today, I feel as if I am at the end of my rope, and it is a too familiar territory. Friends tell me that I make a difference in their lives and thank me for being there for them. Some even say I am an amazing and courageous person. I do try to do some good each day, to be more other centered than self centered, yet here I am. I am terrified. My survival instincts are going through the roof.
No, my family of origin wasn’t a safe place. There was virtually no emotional support, though we had a good standard of living. To compound things, I had a secret that I knew was unacceptable to them. They were too self-absorbed, too often fighting and raging, too often emotionally terrorizing to give me much attention. God put me in this family It wasn’t the worst, but it was painful. I dove into religion to find solace. Religon ultimately became a source of rejection too when they learned of my secret.
I have survived addiction and near self-destruction more than once. I guess God made me an addict as well. Recovering has brought much good into my life, and seen me through tough time. Religion still plays a leading role as well, though it seems God is silent or disinterested or just too busy to notice sometimes. I have been well employed for a while now and took a new job some time ago. It’s not going as I would have hoped. The learning curve has been excruciating, and I’ve had less training and support than I imagined. So, not my livelihood is threatened. I have a talk with my boss later this morning, and whenever an unannounced meeting comes my way, I am crushed with fear because I am not performing up to standard.
Unemployment is one of my greatest fears. It has taken a toll on me on several occasions in my life. I am alone in caring for myself in this world, and the older I get the harder it gets to bounce back when these things come along. I feel so alone. This appointment with my manager has me in a downward spiral once again, and I’m at a breaking point. I sent this to my manager yesterday. Who communicates with their manager in this way? I feel like a freak. Whatever past successes I’ve experienced seem remote from where I now stand.
“I’m almost at 5 months and know I’m working hard and am dedicated, but I also know that my success is measured in sales. I know it’s not a lack of effort. I have always succeeded before and I can close deals when the iron is hot. The economy is a bit tight and that may have some bearing on some of the stalled deals I’ve come across. We haven’t had much in the way of lead generation since I’ve been here either. In addition, I had a long ——- learning cycle but — is going well now, and —- is looking good too, not strong but good. I’ve never had to self-teach myself software. I am also aware that shadow of —- looms as well, and you felt you gave her too long before you cut her loose. I also know that (the CEO) doesn’t seem as keen on me as he might have been without the feedback that came from the person I know at (his former company) – at the request of the former CEO. Nonetheless, it affected the way we connected, along with my psyche. You won’t find anyone more dedicated to succeeding than I am and I believe the grind up until now will pay off. It always has. They always say that it is darkest just before dawn, and there’s no one that is expecting more of me than me! I’m a mess just thinking about tomorrow’s call. ”
I’m lost and afraid, and my thoughts usually go to self-destruction when I get into this space, and one day I’m afraid I will really do it.
“George Elliot
…… George, wherever you are, I invite you to call me. No catches, no agenda, no charge…… leave a comment that you have this response with an email address and we can set up a time to talk……
Rod Smith
PS: I have read and re-read your letter.
Thanks, again for your presentation and sharing with our Thursday morning group 9/11 in Indianapolis. With the early hour – 6:30am – I’m assurred that you were still able to start another great day with your two boys. The best to you, and thanks<<<
I am so very confused. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. I have a 18 yr old daughter and he has a 8 yr old son whom we get every other weekend. My husband is the most fickle person I have every met in my life. He has said that he does not see me in the maritial way anymore and he is not sure he wants to be married. He is a hotrod fanatic and him and his friend ron stay at the shop working on cars til 11pm every night. I feel like he is not fully commited to this marriage if he can put his friend and hobbies first. He says his friend and hobbies do come first and all he want is to be happy. He want to have fun in life and be happy. I guess he cant do that and be married also. I feel like he takes no responsibility in this marriage. I dont know why I am having trouble moving on. I dont understand his train of thought. He left for a week and then came back, just to turn around and say he was leaving again, but then doesnt leave just stays gone every night. Need Help.. Lost in Love
I left out alot of important information, My husband told me about a month after we got married that he wanted to have relations with one of his long time friends that he had been talking to (helping her with her maritial problem and one thing led to another)He said he still loved me very much but had feelings for this other person and it was weighing heavy on his mind so he thought he had to be honest with me. I went into orbit and called her and he got mad and now they are no longer friend which he blamed me for. Forgiveness never comes easy for me and it took me awhile to get over that (still maybe harboring ill feelings). After that incident it seemed like every other month if he got mad about something whether it was big or small he would tell me how he wasn’t happy and he was leaving (which he never did). He is very jealous of my daughter and Has even told me to pick between them (which I told him she wins and he loses) I was a single mother for 16 years before I married him, I am a very independent person and raised my daughter by myself, I didnt date very much because I was so involved in raising my daughter and working toward my career. It took me a long time to let someone come into my life. I am 45 years old and My husband is 41. But honestly he acts like he is 20 with his odd behavior. I have tried very hard to talk to him about this and have gone through the emotions on this also ( one of which consist of acting very childish and carry in like an infant) He says that I have talked this in the ground and that he cant help his feelings and that I bitch(excuse the language) about everything. I feel like i have to bitch in order for him to understand the way I feel otherwise he is not hearing me or listening to me. He is always telling me how he doesnt want to talk about anything. If I want to talk to him about cars or fun stuff then that fine but he refuses to talk about problem or everyday issues that may arise. I think that is a cop-out. He says that reason he hangs out with his friend is because that is what is important to him and he want to be happy and have fun. I think he has alot of growing up to do. I still love him very much, but deep down I feel like I should want to be with someone that doesnt want to be married and doesnt want to be around me. He says he is confused and not sure what he wants but he know life is about having fun. And thats what he wants to do. He think you should do whatever make you happy and not have to compremise with anyone because it about him and his happiness. I have such a mess because all I can do I wonder why someone could even think like that. I make me very sad and depressed and I feel like I have wasted 3 years of my life. I wish I could make things better but I dont know how. I just need help, I is so hard to move on. I feel like the biggest failure.
Sorry for the mis-spelled words, as it is very late and I am very exhausted by this situation. Your help would be greatly appreciated.
Hello Rod,
I found your site and I think your input is just what I have been searching for. Perhaps you might opine on my current dilemma regarding what a good friend called a “luxury problem”. I am a single male, early 30′s, who has not had much difficulty finding women to date but who has had difficulty making the decision which woman to pursue to marriage. “Divorce is not an option” is my mantra (okay, I there are understandable exceptions and God has shared some great guidelines) because I come from a long line of couples who made it work and exemplified the beauty of marriage, even through boiling and frozen water.
I digress. A woman recently approached me (read:”picked me up”) who shares similar values, goals and level of independence (though she stays connected). Only problem is, she strongly supports a non-profit led by a “Christian” man who has spread awful, untrue rumors about a very good friend of mine. She has no idea about this side of the “Christian” man as he has only put on a good face.
To make things more difficult, the woman who I think God told me to marry recently became single and has started re-approaching me to spend time with her. She has chosen a few other boyfriends over me in the past.
Any questions?
Thanks for your help.
Niels
Hello Rod,
I could really use your advice. I recently married the man that I have been in a relationship with for 12 1/2 years. We are madly in love, and we always have been. There is a 29 year age difference between my husband and I. He has 2 adult children – the oldest of which is 30 yrs old – 6 months older than me. His youngest daughter, who is 21, has a great relationship with me. However, the oldest daughter and I have a rocky relationship. Generally, she avoids me. I am fine with that response, and I am in no way expecting her to be a friend. But when she is in our home visiting, it is very tense. So tense that my husband and I are not ourselves.
My husband feels that things have gotten better, and he unknowingly tries to engage us in conversation which doesn’t always go over so well. Basically, we talk around each other. I feel that I have been rather passive out of respect for my husband, and I have taken my fair share of licks that I wouldn’t typically take. But out of respect for my husband, I have been passive although I know that if some of the instances that have occurred in the past were to occur in front of my children, I would have to be forced to act or respond. This has been going on for years.
Anyway, last week we got married in a private ceremony. We contemplated not telling his children because we knew the oldest would be upset or have something negative to say. In the end, he decided to tell his children the day before the wedding. In all honesty, he felt that it would be worse for his kids to find out that he lied by omission to them about getting married and the risk of them finding out from another family member was quite high since we are planning a large ceremony and reception for 2010. Anyway, I feel that the oldest daughter’s response and actions are the elephant in the room. Upon hearing our news, she said she couldn’t believe that her father was telling her this news while she was at work (she lives in another country which a large time difference). Afterward, she texted her father stating that she was disappointed and asked if he was intentionally trying to devastate her already broken life. Her mother remarried nearly 5 years ago. I can see that this issue with the oldest daughter weighs heavy on my husband, and instead of talking to me about it, he shuts down in a way. We’ve barely spoken at all since we got married, and this is the big elephant in the room. What can I do to make this better? Is this something my husband and I should talk about or should we continue to let this be the unspoken obstacle? Secondly, I feel that I need to be more vocal with or with him about his oldest daughter. I think at minimum she should be courteous when in my home or when calling. I have no idea how to broach this conversation. I feel like I am on pins and needles in my own home when she is around. I have even gone as far as to stay at work late to avoid being in the same house with her. I feel like I have gone out of my way to make our relationship as easy on her as possible. I postponed our marriage and having kids partly so that he could have time to restore his relationship with his daughters after his divorce. I even had an abortion because the timing of having a child would have negatively affected his relationship with his children. Maybe I made the wrong decisions, but now I am completely frustrated and have know idea how to handle this. Please help.
Dear Rod
Greetings to you from sunny Durban. I am an avid follower of your column (The Mercury) and apply your nuggets of wisdom in my life religiously knowing that my faith and way of life is not being compromised. I sincerely wish that you will respond to my plea for advice as I have been cpnsidering writing to you for the past 5 months. I work for a boss for the past 10 years. Prior to his appointment we were working colleagues and I have regarded him as a surrogate father. He was a good man with the best intentions and lost his wife to cancer a year ago. He sincerely trusts me to run his offices knowing that I have his best interests at heart and I have done so all through his wife’s illness and subsequent death. Eight months ago I found out that he has been having an affair with one of my workmates for the past two years. (By this you will know that I do not snoop into other peoples lives lol). My initial reaction was one of shock and betrayal but I have accepted this as they are two consenting adults. What concerns me though is that my boss is so foolish to have a liason with her. She too had worked with him prior to him becoming the boss and always expressed revulsion when it came to him. I have been working with her for the past 13 years and she has several times expressed to me that she will only sleep with men who can maintain her (jewellery, money etc.) Is he really so gullible. When I found out about the relationship we, my boss and I discussed the matter as he felt the need to explain his actions. I explained to him that he needs to do what makes him happy but expressed my reservations about her hunger for money. (A month after his wife died mistress had a brand new car which I know she cannot afford) I do her salary and she is divorced. This was eight months ago and the conversation was left there.
I have always been a loyal, trustworthy person who worked for a pittance. I work long hours and I know that the office WILL not run effectively without me (my boss has no sense of business and wants to be everyone’s friend at the risk of failure of his business). I have never judged him but I now feel betrayed because his lover has now intimated that she would like to do my job which involves millions of rands and I do not trust her. I have even told him so. I look back at all the job opportunities with far greater packages that I that I have been offered and had turned down because of some misguided sense of loyalty. Some of these jobs have been offered by good friends of yours as well. Please help…. I dread going to work and I know I cannot hand in my resignation as I have so much of financial obligations. Am I just feeling sorry for myself????? If not, please advise. My boss and I have shared lunch together for the past fifteen years. We have ceased that after me being vocal about the job situation and I am now being greeted by scowls. I mourn not only the possible loss of my job but also the loss of a father figure I have known so long.
p.s. if you do reply please do it via e-mail. If he has to read this in the paper he WILL know this is about him. He knows yours is the first column I turn to. I am Christian and I would like to know how to deal with this from a Christian standpoint.
Hoping to hear from you
Niv
I was wondering about that ‘Richard McChurch.’ It was the McChurch and the similarity in writing that got me wondering. lol *thumbsup*
You have a great site here Rod. You come across as approachable, yet in a no non-sense way with compassion, humor, and humanness. Oh yes!!! Humanness! A great quality in the best helping professionals.
I read too about the stuttering as a youngster. Another thumbsup that you were able to break the silence.
Cheers!
Carol Welch (aka 1person
Rod, I enjoyed getting to know your work better.
The “august” entry in “our story told slowly” reminds me of some similar experiences in my own life. How some of the simplest, and seemingly insignificant moments in our lives can hold so much power never fails to amaze me.
Max
Please, I need your advise on a situation I help on hand at the moment, My Name is Kevin Reddy my 35 years , divorced 5 years now ,
The problem is I met a lady that’s 29 years widow with two kids age 3 years and 1 years 9 months her husband passed away 2 years would be in December
We are in love, and I cant stay away or do anything just thinking of her and want to be would all the time, we spend hours on the phone,
The problem is that she wants to move on , but is discourage by her family, her mum doesn’t want her to move on , shes say that what would people say
Etc, she told her daughter not to communicate would me email or take my calls or sms etc,
The mum feels if I take the daughter away there’s no one to take the mum shopping etc,
The mum says to the daughter the reason she left work is because of her and the and to look after the kids,
They making the daughter feel guilty in every way possible and discourage her, from moving on ……..
I told the daughter its her life and she must take control of if , its what she wants , she feels that she doesn’t want to dis respect her parents ,
And want there blessing, the daughter cant even go to the shop alone the mother tags along every where,
All the daughter wants is to be happy and told me I make her happy …..
And wants to be would me , and wants us to move on by getting our place ,
I JUST sent you an email, Kevin — I hope you got it.
Please, I need your advise on a situation I help on hand at the moment, My Name is Kevin Reddy my 35 years , divorced 5 years now ,
The problem is I met a lady that’s 29 years widow with two kids age 3 years and 1 years 9 months her husband passed away 2 years would be in December
We are in love, and I cant stay away or do anything just thinking of her and want to be would all the time, we spend hours on the phone,
The problem is that she wants to move on , but is discourage by her family, her mum doesn’t want her to move on , shes say that what would people say
Etc, she told her daughter not to communicate would me email or take my calls or sms etc,
The mum feels if I take the daughter away there’s no one to take the mum shopping etc,
The mum says to the daughter the reason she left work is because of her and the and to look after the kids,
They making the daughter feel guilty in every way possible and discourage her, from moving on ……..
I told the daughter its her life and she must take control of if , its what she wants , she feels that she doesn’t want to dis respect her parents ,
And want there blessing, the daughter cant even go to the shop alone the mother tags along every where,
All the daughter wants is to be happy and told me I make her happy …..
And wants to be would me , and wants us to move on by getting our place ,
Hi Rod!
I’ve been reading through some of your posts and you seem like just the guy I need to talk to. I am really struggling right now. I have been dating a guy for 9 months now whose girlfriend just had their baby. I chose to stay with him when he found out she was pregnant, something I do not regret at all. About 5 months into her pregnancy, my boyfriend’s ex came to his apartment uninvited, threw some things around and cussed at me for about 10 minutes. Anyway, cops were called, charges were pressed and a protective order was put in place.
Now that the baby is here, the protective order has been dropped and my boyfriend has been going to his ex’s place 2-3 times a week for a few hours to see his child. I am extremely frustrated because he has given her this freedom in the past and she has taken advantage of him. I want him to see his baby, but I do not want to see him get hurt by her again. I don’t understand why he hasn’t gone to take care of visitation rights in court and is rather giving his ex control of the situation (i.e. having him over her place to watch their child).
I am so lost in thought from how I’m feeling and what I should be feeling towards the situation. I know he needs his time with his baby, but I don’t understand why he is giving his ex so much freedom again… help!
Thank you so much
Where in the world are you? Email me and I will send you a phone number.
Back in August i accused my husband of having an affair because he had disconnected from me and sex was less frequent. We had not been getting along but I knew it was not an affair with another woman but an affair with the bottle. My husband is an alcoholic. My husband told me that he did not find me attractive and he was not in love with me. In September after 2 sessions with a unlicensed therapist he told me he wanted a divorce. After talking to a friend he advised him that it would be wise not to make any decisions at this point and to seek individual counseling and counseling from our leaders in our faith. We did that, but my husband has been inconsistent with his therapy. We have gotten better in getting along, we actualy laugh, talk, have sex now atleast once a week compared to once a month. The problem is he still says he feels that he is unsure if he knows how to love. He does at times tells me he loves me. But the drinking is now more open and he stays out at least once a week until 1:30 am drinking. I don’t know if he drinks because of our marriage
Hello Mr. Smith,
I am so happy to have found your site today. Without friend or relative I feel close enough to or comfortable enough with to discuss my multiple concerns, I resorted to searching on the internet for some insight on what to expect and how to structure an amenable cohabitation arrangement with one’s adult child, particularly when that adult child is a single male with his own son (my grandson, of course). I have found some useful information but more specific input is needed, and I’m hoping you and anyone kind enough to make a comment might be able to provide me greater insight or overall advice on what I’m getting into.
Because of all that’s involved here I probably should not think of it as a long-term arrangement, however I am aging and with little money of my own outside of social security, so I have little choice except to plan on having to do this for maybe an undesirable period of time barring some financial miracle to place me solidly on my own two feet. We have therefore put together a contingent arrangement which we plan to elaborate on space and accommodation-wise in the immediate to very near future. We have come this far because we both have insufficient funds to live entirely on our own, at this point in time, and our combined income figures suggest that cohabitation is at least a potential solution.
Some of my concerns are (1) both my son and grandson are close to being absolute slobs which keeps be busy and sometimes depresses me, (2) I’m expected to do most of the kitchen work which is not so bad because I quit when I want to, (3) my grandson has some kind of thinking disability related to hyperactivity/attention deficit (yet he’s so smart at the same time ??), (4) both are loud, play rough, and do a lot of man/boy stuff much to my chagrin. These are livable with – to some extent anyway.
My major concerns, however, involve my younger son who is not part of our plans and who constantly hounds his older brother to terminate the proposed living arrangement in that he calls it “unholy” as is seemingly the thought of many young people today – guys who live with their parents today are particularly looked down on as worthless. My younger son has also hounded me to “get a man” and to release his brother from my life so that he can live a more normal life of his own. My older son currently responds to most of this with “I love my mother.” I appreciate his stability, but I cannot help but wonder how he will survive a steady diet of this when we finalize our housing plans.
So. Here are the questions I’m having such a hard time getting out clearly:
1. Is it so awful for a son to live with and thereby help support his mother?
2. Am I hindering his normal progression by financially leaning on him?
3. Is he more likely to hate me because his women friends don’t freely come over?
4. What is protocol (if there is any at all) when either of us has company, and is it okay for us both to have outside company in the common areas of the house and/or in our individual bedrooms?
Thank you so much for any and all assistance.
hey
how does one get hold of someone that he has not spoken to in a long time. i suppose if i had to tell you it would maybe sound like an excuse but really do want to contact again. good website and pic
take care
Dear Rod
I read your column in the Mercury and almost always concur with the advice that you give.
I am now faced with a difficult situation of my own and hope you can help.
I have a 19 year old duaghter who is a 1st year student at UCT. She is in a serious relationship with a man 38 years old. The relationship started when she was 14 years old and he was a family friend at that time. We tried to end the relationship by moving from Johannesburg to Durban and putting some distance between them. We thought the relationship was over but recently discovered otherwise.
During this university holidays she left home to spend 5 days with him in Johannesburg. It turns out that he has been visiting her in Cape Town and they have been spending time together.
Both my wife and I are not happy with this relationship. Firstly this in not in line with our value system and upbringing. Secondly at this point in her life my daughter is not financially independent and does not have a career to fall back on.
I do not want to be party to, or sponsor this relationship in any way. I am thinking of stopping financial support for her i.e. university and res fees, cell phone contract, allowances etc.
Her man is a senior manager and it seems like he can afford to support her.
Will I be doing the right thing ??
We do not wish to lose the relationship with our daughter.