RodESmith
I have taught family therapy and courses on related topics for various institutions, primarily The University of the Nations, in many locations around the world. My “You & Me” newspaper column is widely enjoyed in South Africa where it has been published every week day for almost 7 years in The Mercury. I am originally from Durban and so I am deeply encouraged when readers say I have become a “household name” on the eastern seaboard of South Africa, even while living in the USA.
I have had the privilege consulting with high-profile, conflicted families who have flown me half the way around the world to assist them in finding some manner of resolution to seemingly insurmountable domestic or family-business dilemmas. Also, I have enjoyed the privilege of consulting with the poorest of the poor - inner-city families, and third-world families.
I chose, by my own will, voluntarily, (I think you get it!) to discontinue my popular Saturday editorial column (the resistance I got when I stopped led me to believe it was popular) which appeared for several years in The Indianapolis Star. Despite the belief of some readers that The Star cleared its deck of evangelical writers, this is not so in my case (or in the case of any other “Christian” writer as far as I know). After about 300 columns of about 700 words in length - and columns written on every and any topic you could possibly imagine - I decided I had said all I wanted to say to my audience in Indianapolis.
[I did get a kick out of the suggestion that I was fired because I was too evangelical! Many "real Christian" readers accused me over the years of not being a Christian at all.] Anyone interested in reading a handful of these columns will find them at here. “Richard McChurch” has developed into somewhat of an alias I have playfully used over the years.
Education:
My degree in Family Therapy is from Butler University (1994) in Indianapolis. From what seems like another life, I have a Higher Diploma in Education (HDE in School Counseling a English) which followed a Bachelor Degree in Psychology and English Literature.
To make contact with me, or to set an appointment, write to:
Rod@DifficultRelationships.com
OR:
respond to this website by making a “comment”
OR “RodeSmithMSMFT” is my SKYPE “phone” number.
or call me on my cellphone at USA: 317 694 8669
What others say:
”Rod is as good with a secular audience as he is with a bunch of pastors.” DTS Staff, Amsterdam.
“I learned more by watching you with your child than from anything you said. I am amazed a man can fly all over the world with an infant and without any help!” Norman, Fiji Islands.
“Rod Smith is the most provocative speaker I have ever heard.” Julie, Auckland, New Zealand
”No one has challenged my thinking about love and relationships as radically as Rod Smith. He was an excellent speaker for our church retreat.” Peter, Indianapolis.
“Rod, your book on manners is excellent. We laughed all the way to Chicago as my son read it to us — using your accent!” Christine, Indianapolis.
“Really, Mr. Smith. If someone reads your ‘manners book’ who doesn’t know YOU they will think you are nuts!” Drew B. (13)
“Thanks for the questions to all the answers I had,” Masters Student, England
Morning Rod-sama,
You truly have an amazing insight into humanity.
May I have your response on two issues please?..
1. Will you be conducting any further presentations in South Africa in the near future? I am based in Durban.
2. Would you be prepared to accept an ‘uchi-deshi’ (in-house apprentice/disciple) for a period of time of your comfort?
Keep holding up the light for so many, reflecting back with appreciation.
With admiration,
Bob
‘Striving to be proud of everything I do today’.
Dear Rod,
I’m recently involved with a girl I know since middle school. she was married and recently divorced with 2 kids and i love them all very much… my relationship is fine other than i feel great insecurity about her x-husband… plus i “tell” myself that I must be better and bigger than him (in bsns, life, brains, etc.). and i dont think this is healthy or right… what can i do to make these feelings go away? what can my partner do to help?
thank you very much, congratulations on this wonderful site!
Hi Rod
Kerry here, Marshalls sister.
Can I call you sometime?
x
Hi,
I have a question regarding my daughter-in-law. I hope that you might give some advice. She controls every move my son makes. I know it is up to him to let it continue. But, they have been married for 14 years and it only gets worse. I keep my mouth shut about that!
If I visit them for a day, we can have a great time and I leave thinking that was a nice visit.
But the next time I talk to my son all he does is complain about the problems that I created the last time I visited. Apparently, she does nothing but complain about me and makes family life miserable until he agrees with her. I have tried to talk to her about this, but she denies there are any problems. She also makes comments to me like; You are stupid to love so much. She also said she does not want her kids to be close to me. We are now at the point where I am not even allowed to have their phone number or address. I am at a loss as to what to do. I am crushed not to be able to see my grandchildren or my son. My son does call once in awhile and has tried to control me much in the same way. The last time he called he told me that I could not be a part of his family unless I went to church and did whatever he told me to do! I was stunned.
How would you classify her/their behavior/personalities? Is there anyway that I can reverse this situation? I suggested that we all go to counseling and was delighted when both son and daughter-in-law agreed. However, before I could make an appointment, my daughter-in-law told my son that she had visited with a counselor and explained all of her problems with me. She said the counselor agreed with her 100% that I was the cause of all the problems! She says now that she does not need counseling and of course I do.
I have no idea what she says to my son about me that makes him so submissive. I have no idea what problems I cause. I have asked but never get an answer. Please help! I am about to give up and walk away. I am just drained.
I guess you don’t help people unless there is money involved! Thanks you phoney…
Hi Sharon:
…… you’d be surprised!
Peace,
Rod
I doubt it!
Hello Rod
I have this issue , i am the only lovable son of my parents and we have a good network of uncles and aunts ..After my marriage ..my wife is quite disillusioned with all my relatives since there were instances where she was not treated the way she expected when we visited them .. Now they want to visit us and my wife is creating a havoc of not having them .. i have told her that it is just a question of 2 3 weeks we will treat them as guests and move on ..but she fails to understand and forcing me to tell them not to come !!! what do i do …
San
Hi Rod,
I have never been to your site before, I literally just ran across it and am hoping maybe you can give me some advise.
My situation is this… My best friend and I have known eachother for almost 8 yrs. I have been in love with him for about 5. He knows how I feel, but when I realized how much I cared he was in a relationship. They even had a child together. They ended the relationship about 1 1/2 yrs ago and she is dating someone new but continually professes her love for him still. He doesnt want to have anything to do with her in that way. He also began working with me and even relocated to living with me to get out of a bad family living situation. His ex has actually moved with his family since she lost her job. So he is living 2 hrs away with me while she is down there living with his sisters. He says he loves me but he is not ready for a relationship. We are not intimate, but we are together basically 24/7. Occasionally he will try to get me to go out on dates since he says he is not ready yet and doenst know when he will be and says that he doesnt want me to wait for him. I feel really stuck. I have tried to tell him that while I have feelings for him I cannot remain friends with him if we never go anywhere simply because as long as he is in my life I feel as though I will never fall in love with someone else.
His ex really broke his heart. He honestly felt that it was forever and he gave himself completely to him. However she cheated and lied and destroyed him. Now I am the only woman he trusts and talks to. He hasnt even been with anyone since her. My dilemma is this… do I try to wait to see what develops? do I walk away? What do I do?? I am so confused. And everytime people see us together they always think we are married. and it doesnt help that he is very affectionate with me, arms around me, flirting with me, wrestling with me and so forth. But thats how its been for 7 yrs. what do i do? please help… sincerely,
Stuck
Dear San:
I hope you see this:
Cutting off from either of your extended families will be of little or no benefit to your new marriage. I’d suggest you encourage your wife to talk to your (now also her) relatives about what it is that has upset her and to face her issues with the (her) family herself. Now that you are married it is not “your family” or “her family” but the families you both share. Refuse to play “piggy in the middle.” Get out of her way, let her handle her family issues herself.
Rod
Dear Rod,
I have a friend named Robert who I go to college with. I have always been incredibly attracted to him (mostly physically). For about the past two years he has dated one of my friends. This year he and I became closer friends. He opened up to me and I really appreciate it. However, I am almost convinced that he is an alcoholic/ has rage problems. And I recently found out that he was abusive to my friend when they were dating. But somehow, even after all this I still find him attractive and mysterious in some way and I still want to pursue something with him and I can’t control it. Do you have any ideas for why this might be?
Thank you,
Marie
Dear Marie:
Stay clear – this will not lead to love, peace or joy. If he’s been abusive before he will abuse you. I have counseled with many women who were (are) attracted to the “darker” side of some men. It is as if their knowledge that the man is controlling (his rage indicates he is controlling) offers some kind of a perverse challenge.
Listen to your own sound voice of reason – the voice within you that writes this letter to me – rather than the seductive voice that calls to you from somewhere deep within his troubled self and resonates powerfully within the rescuer in you.
Rod Smith
So I havent seen any reply from you regarding my situation… Did I do something wrong? am I not doing this correctly? I see others leave comments and you respond. I leave one and get nothing… Am i suppose to leave money somewhere or something to get you to respond? Or is my situation not valid enough for your response… confused… and still
STUCK
I am sorry — you have done nothing wrong and NO, you do not have to pay any money — and I will get to your letter later today……… sometimes there is so much mail that letters can fall through the cracks…. please forgive me.
Rod
Dear Stuck:
You will find your letter and my response posted today. Go to “home” on this site.
I hope you get yourself UNSTUCK soon.
Rod
Hi Rod,
Just been perusing your site and wanted to drop a hello to you and the boys. Plans are still a go to pursue my MS in Clin. Psych @ Vanguard next fall. Moving back to Cali come this summer. Thats the 411 on me. Perhaps we can Skype or catch up on cell sometime?
much Aloha Rod!
Hi Rod,
Thanks for visiting my site and for your comments. Your site is great, and you provide a lot of valuable insight for your readers. Thanks for sharing it with everyone.
Christy
Thank You for your reply, I didnt mean it to sound as if you OWED me a response, I was just confused if I did this incorrectly. I hear what you are saying, I guess it’s just hard to hear. He really is and was hurt by her, I witnessed what she did to him, he was ready to marry her and she ran off and married someone else while he was away visiting family. She is really not right in the head. He is paying child support but his daughter is currently in Argentina with his parents while he is working and going to school while living with me. He is paying bills while staying with me. He continues to say he is not ready nor is he interested in ANYONE at this point. All his interests right now lie with his daughter and himself getting on his own two feet. Which I have been through and completely understand. If I kick him out right now, he will have no choice but to quit school and move back to his very disfunctional sisters house where his ex is mostly staying and possibly sleeping with his sisters husband… ?? I dont know what is wrong with this woman and why no one has kicked her out. I think its because with her being the mother of his child, they will continue to help her with places to stay and other friendship and such support. But I am starting to feel played. I just cant tell, I know he cares, I know he loves me, I just dont know if he will ever be ready to move forward with our relationship. He says he cant say never, just not right now. Still Stuck, but I have decided if when he moves out after graduating from school, if we dont move forward… I am moving on. Thanks again Rod,
Still unfortunately,,, stuck — for now.
Hey Rod
We’ve been thinking of you so much last night and today – Hope that you have had an awesome birthday. Know that you have been thought of and prayed for and hope that you and the boys are well. Do you still have your email address - not sure how to reach you except via this blog
With Love
Rob & Pam
I sent you an email - if you get this via the blog, send your number to me at Rod@DifficultRelationships.com and I will call you. Love to you all too, and I did have a wonderful birthday, thanks, Rod
Dear Rod,
I just came to terms with the fact that I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship. I’ve browsed the site trying to find advise, but I can’t seem to find what really helps. See the relationship is between me and my mother. In addition to putting me down and invalidating my feelings, she uses symbolic violence (and I have seen real domestic violence growing up so it terrified me), and she manipulates me. I thought things would get better as I grew up, but now in my twenties she still attempts to control my life. I’m working on moving out, but when I do the situation will explode. I’ve got a few months before then.
She believes all psychologists do is blame everything on the parents, so she will never agree to go see one with me or on her own. When I try to get help, she tells me to “honor thy mother and father.”
Is there any advice you can on getting independence from a total control situation and still salvage the relationship? I mean you can’t divorce your parents.
please help,
Alice
Dear Rod,
I posted the letter on march 28th- ‘he cant handle his drink’.
I only checked back on the blog to see if anyone had replied today and I noticed the advise given was the same as that which I have been given today by a friend after yet another episode of horendous treatment from my partner.
He has become unemployed again as of monday and since then he went out drinking sunday afternoon, monday night and wednesday night. Monday he ignored all my calls while he was out saying ‘its rude to answer the phone whilst talking to people’. When I confronted him and said I was upset about that he went off into one of his mental moods, emotionally abusing me untill I backed down. I ended up apologising to him for crying and making him angry.
This lead me to go to a friends house, who has heard all of the tales about my relationship and has always given me good advise. But me and her both know untill I stop following my heart and listen to what I already know im always going to go back.
However last night I started to realise this is a form of abuse and I am going to eventually have a break down over this. I always thought I was strong bottling all this up and getting on with life- forgiving and forgetting. I realise now that this is only going to lead to me having issues in later life and becoming ill.
Basically the long and short of it is after this I decided to give him an ultimatum when he rang me the next day. I said we cannot possibly continue like this- you need to give up alcohol and you need to want to change contact me when you have made your decision.
After some time apart he told me he has decided to give up alcohol and to fundamentally try and change how he treats me. He has never said anything of the sort before.
Do you think this is worth another chance?
Barbara
Dear Rod,
I am the grandmother of a 14yr old boy. He has lived with me with his father since school age. Our life has been a living hell because of the mother, she and my son are not married. She is a vioatle person and most of the time hostile. We have tried very hard to appease her to keep peace. When my grandson goes to her house, usually a couple of days a week, sometimes less she becomes enraged at him. He is a good boy and it is her as she tries to put too many demands on him with house chores plus most anything gets her angry. She will call my home and scream at my son. This is not his problem as she should be able to run her household. On Sunday April 13, I picked up Bryan from her home around 7:00 P:M, I do not go in, he comes out. Around 8:00P:M she calls my son, screaming at him that she wants Bryan’s IPod that she bought him for Xmas and she was on her way over to get it. We have seen her rages many times over the years and I told my son not to open the door. He did so to hand her the IPod, she is always throwing this in Bryan’s face that SHE bought IPOD. I got upset and told her that I would buy him and IPOD. I went to grab my screen door to shut it as I wanted her to leave, she was standing on the porch..She grabbed the door and in a threatening matter said,Don’t you shut the door on me! My son then sort of moved her off the porch and he thought we might get into a physical altercation which I would not but I don’ t know what she would have done. When she left after a few minutes, I called the police to file a complaint. It is on file with the police department. This has never happened to me as I try to stay away from her because of her hostility.The police suggested we get a restraining order. We are not sure what to do as she might cause more trouble for Bryan. My question is, can I sue her for harrassment and anything else for money as that would surely get her attention. My late husband and I have provided for Bryan, financially since he started kindergarten, he is now in the eighth grade. She has never provided him with any necessities. We pay for schoolexpenses, clothes, dental care, activities. My son was injured at work and is now in ligitation because of a back injury. He has no income. When he was working, child support went to her and since Bryan lives here, she spent it on her household..She also claims Bryan and gets the income tax every year. She has a 9yr. old daughter who lives with her and she has a 16yr. old son who is in same situation, living with paternal grandparents. They also pay everything for him and she gets child support from the father. She also gets housing and food stamps. This is why I would like to sue her for money. I want her to stop harassing me and my household.
Thank you,
Delta Reschke
Dear Rod,
This is a belated thanks for speaking to the BRANCH Brit. Lit. class several weeks ago. It was a memorable and powerful experience as you discussed The Lord of the Flies with the students. They were mesmerized (as I was) as you wove the salient points, imagery, your own experience and questions together. They were also challenged by a number of things that you said: Beauty vs. Brutality in the book but also in life, taking responsiblity, and also writing the “book” that’s within each of us. It will long be remembered by each of us!
When Julie mentioned that you were coming, I was excited. I was one of your many unknown fans when you wrote the Indianapolis Star columns years ago. I’ll never forget the ones when you received the boys you adopted and traveled alone with them. As I read your words I cried, laughed, thought, and often read parts aloud to my spouse. I was sad when you stopped writing; however, I’m delighted that I can now read more of your wisdom online.
Thanks again, and many blessings,
Charla Feeney (the other mom in the 2nd row)
how do you start a topic on here?after 20 years of smoking I quit..it’s been 9 weeks now.my question is..do you consider it disrespectful if your other half smokes around you..I’m completely miserable..and can’t stand the smell of it in my home..it’s hard to keep a positive mind, when you have no emtional support…I want out of my marriage..not because of the smoking but because I’ve grown and realized that i’ve always done things without the support of my husband..and feel there is no love on my part.been together for 25 years..i’m 45..he’s 63..I’ve grown he hasn’t..but I feel trapped..because i don’t have a job or the experience to go out on my own..we have two sons together..22 and 15..need advise please;(my email add is sandra_desousa@hotmail.com why i’m still here i think is out of guilt.