(Published in The Mercury – 05/19/06)
Several years ago you wrote about “high maintenance” people and described my then-girlfriend to a T. Please publish it again. It was hard to believe a person who had never met my girlfriend at the time was able to describe her with such accuracy.
Comments come to me as Emails. I will make time if you want to talk.
High maintenance people are difficult, sometimes impossible, even in the most relaxed of circumstances. They pick fights, find fault, and personalize almost everything. They argue with people who are closest to them for no apparent reason. They often pick on strangers (waiters, helpers). They often live in a world of cut-off relationships where others are idiots and no one understands.
What can you do if you are in a relationship with a high maintenance person? You can do very little that will not hurt, offend, or get a reaction – but you must make a stand. High maintenance people seldom benefit from pity or patience or empathy. They will only benefit from being constantly challenged to grow up.
Filed under: Abuse, Anger, High maintenance relationships, Love, Manipulation, Personal growth, Relationships, Toxic Relationships, Voice
I was in a relationship with a man who was high maitaince, he was extremely diffucult to talk to, he wanted costent attention. His parents did not listen to him and he had no friends,he used sex as a way to get affection , a very sad man indeed and i feel very relieved to nave severed contact with him. to make things worse he was traing to be a psycologist and he would give me advise and would not take any well meaning advise from me…he knew it all. these people are a danger to those around them and more to themselves but i learnt a lot about this type of person and to stay clear of this type
Interesting,,, and of course it may well be your experience. But having been in a relationship which i,m glad now to be out of, i was accused of being “high maintenence”. Actually, i,m not, but lableing someone as high mantenence can often be an excuse for ones own failings in the areas of affection and just common “togetherness” which i think most people thrive on in a relationship thats going places. In my case that was always her excuse, “your so high maintenence”. The truth is, her husband had left her for lack of any affection toward him on her part, and her father had had many affairs because her mother found it just about impossible to show any affection toward him or anyone, including her own children. My then partner had also been in a mental institution before we met, mostly as a result of life long issues with very her low self esteeem. Its always easy to lable others, . maybe the first and only port of call is to look at oneself, as i have had too and ask. What does it say about me, to be involved with this person. Hope things are working out for you.
I’m young. I’m 18 and my girlfriend is 16, but man is she high maintenence. She always finds something to be upset about, and I can do everything to make her happy and she’ll find something that I did wrong. I constantly struggle with guilt and feel like a bad boyfriend. I will say she is very spoiled. She is used to getting her way all the time. Once I refused to let her come over to my house because I needed some time to myself. She went crazy saying that she is always the one consolling and whenever it comes to her problems she never gets to talk about them. I always tell her I’m here to talk, but she always holds things in and I get yelled at because she didn’t want to talk about something. I’m just wondering if this has a good chance of becoming better. It has only gotten worse so far, it’s been 9 months. But is it all just the teenage emotions or does something need to be fixed?
Hi Todd:
Thanks for writing. I hope you see this. I will do a column in response to your question so it will be added to the top of the list of columns in a few days.
I’d suggest that something does need to be fixed and here is the tough news: YOU are probably NOT going to be the one who helps her fix it.
I’d suggest this relationship is not doing either of you much good and it might be time for you to allow her to secure the kind of help she really needs.
Please write again and let me know you saw this reply.
Rod Smith
Dear Rod
Hi Rod my name is Bridgit I am 26 years old and I am engaged to Craig who is 30 years old. I saw your letters in the newspapers and I just want to ask your advice. My boyfriend and I are having problems. Ok we met on the internet in 2004 round about August and we met for the first time in October 2004. We then started going out as friends and then he asked me out in December 2004. Then in December of 2006 he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Then he set the date for 8 December 2007 that was great with me. So then in April we moved in together and it was great. We then started making wedding plans and I went to buy my wedding Dress, Vail, Gloves, and other stuff for the wedding. Then the end of May he tells me he wants to put the wedding on hold cos we don’t have enough money saved and don’t have the money to get married now. I was so mad with him for doing that and just after I had bought my dress and things. Then the end of May he lost his Job and I have being supporting us since then and he still hasn’t found a job so now he wants to move home to his mom. He is going back to her at the end of the month, and she is going to support him until he can find a job, so he is going home now cos he can have it easy and doesn’t have to rush to find a job cos his mom is going to help him. The problem there is that he is not used to battling and I am, and he has always gotten anything he has wanted. Now I feel when he asked his mom if he could come home she should have said NO because he had moved out to start his life with me and he must try and make it work know by even doing watering or something, but she said he can come home and now he is not interested in finding a job. He went for an interview yesterday and he said if they don’t give him R10.000 or more he is not interested. He was working in IT and making R5.500per month and was not happy, but I am only making R3000per month and was looking after us both…. They offered him R4000+ petrol and he said no to the job. I just don’t know what to do anymore, he doesn’t seem interested in us anymore, the first thing was putting the wedding off, then him loosing his job, then him wanting to move home. Then another aspect of what bugs me is I am doing Au Pairing for a wonderful family looking after there 7 month old baby boy and there 3 ½ year old boys. Because of what I am earning he says I need to look for a better job so we can make it, but I really love my job and don’t want to leave. I also only went up to standard 8, and he know is putting pressure on me to get my standard 10 to try and better my self and to get a better job. The reason why I don’t really want to do that now is that I went to a special school cos I battle to read, so I don’t want to have that extra pressure of studying right now, I said to him I will do it when I am ready, and he keeps telling me I need to change and get better educated or it won’t work out between us, I really don’t thing he is being very nice to me in that way, look I know he wants to help me but he doesn’t realise how much stress it is for me. I really need advise. Everyone says I must leave him because he is not treating me right and doesn’t seem interested in going through with the wedding. Also when every I want to go and visit my family and want him to go with, he always tries to get out of going with or just tells me straight out he doesn’t want to go then I get cross and he changes his mind and I know he is just going with me now because I got cross, but when ever he wants to go somewhere I never give him stories I go with him even if I don’t want to go. I want to leave him in some of the things he has done and is doing at the moment and on the other hand I love him and don’t now what to do. So please can you give me some advice. Please can you e-mail me back my e-mail address is bridgitjuliette@gmail.com
Thank you very much.
Kind Regards
Bridgit
Hello. thanks for this info on high maintenance. hope it’s okay to cite you in my own blog.
i’ve been quite upset the past year when a friend had stated they thought I was high maintenance, i didn’t understand what it meant. reading your article. i believe my friend had just said it because she felt bad… it’s sad for a friend to say taht someone’s something and label you when you are taht in the least… thanks for the clarification. i always believed people should understand what it is they are saying or labelling someone of thoroughly because a lot of times they themselves don’t understand what they say.