Comments on: Differentiation of Self http://rodesmith.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/ 1000+ columns - increasing daily - sometimes the web has a face Fri, 30 Jul 2010 23:21:10 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.com/ By: Hope http://rodesmith.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25784 Hope Thu, 20 May 2010 19:04:08 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25784 I actually researched the term self-differentiation because it was used in an article I was reading about pastors and their churches/ministry. I thought I knew what it meant but was looking for clarification and this article definitely clarified it. Still not sure if what I look for or call intimacy is "emotional fusion" or if why I am so dis-satisfied in the depth of relationships around me is because I struggle with self-diff. or if others are just so goal-oriented and self-absorbed they lack the capacity to go deeper or even desire it. I plan on printing this out and studying it more. #3 seems to be the key --- I want that for myself and others. I don't want to fear having dreams and losing relationship (intimacy) and I don't want others who have dreams to ignore the people around them. I think I react to that by not dreaming or reaching for goals, because people have always been more important to me. I actually researched the term self-differentiation because it was used in an article I was reading about pastors and their churches/ministry. I thought I knew what it meant but was looking for clarification and this article definitely clarified it. Still not sure if what I look for or call intimacy is “emotional fusion” or if why I am so dis-satisfied in the depth of relationships around me is because I struggle with self-diff. or if others are just so goal-oriented and self-absorbed they lack the capacity to go deeper or even desire it. I plan on printing this out and studying it more. #3 seems to be the key — I want that for myself and others. I don’t want to fear having dreams and losing relationship (intimacy) and I don’t want others who have dreams to ignore the people around them. I think I react to that by not dreaming or reaching for goals, because people have always been more important to me.

]]> By: Avis Hope http://rodesmith.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25652 Avis Hope Thu, 29 Apr 2010 02:32:05 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25652 Thank you for the valuable information. We can not truley move forward until we know where we are going, why we are going, and what it will take to get there. Thank you for the valuable information. We can not truley move forward until we know where we are going, why we are going, and what it will take to get there.

]]> By: Rod E. Smith, MSMFT http://rodesmith.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25634 Rod E. Smith, MSMFT Thu, 22 Apr 2010 16:38:10 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25634 And that, Julia, would be my delight. Thanks. Rod Smith (Think about having me come to your group sometime). And that, Julia, would be my delight. Thanks.

Rod Smith

(Think about having me come to your group sometime).

]]> By: juliabloom http://rodesmith.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25633 juliabloom Thu, 22 Apr 2010 16:21:22 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25633 Thanks for this. A counselor introduced the concept of differentiation to me a couple years ago and I have found it tremendously helpful in growing my marriage, parenting a "spirited" child, and just everyday relating. I plan to read some excerpts from your article in a presentation my mother and I are doing to young mothers about building healthy lifelong parent/child relationships. In fact, I may as well print and distribute to all of them! Thanks for this. A counselor introduced the concept of differentiation to me a couple years ago and I have found it tremendously helpful in growing my marriage, parenting a “spirited” child, and just everyday relating. I plan to read some excerpts from your article in a presentation my mother and I are doing to young mothers about building healthy lifelong parent/child relationships. In fact, I may as well print and distribute to all of them!

]]> By: Rose http://rodesmith.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25510 Rose Fri, 16 Apr 2010 18:47:04 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25510 Hi: I will print out the text. So clear the way you put it. But very hard to do for some of us. I grew up in care. I have taken time to understand the dysfunction in my family and my part in it. My adopted daughter is causing so much pain as she is manipulating and punishing me for my failure to parent her and she does it undercover she has turned a lot of friends against me. It seems to be she is unable to tell me to my face or even show me her real self. Yet, she does to others. I wonder if there is a way to reach her or to stop the damage that is being done? Hi: I will print out the text. So clear the way you put it. But very hard to do for some of us. I grew up in care. I have taken time to understand the dysfunction in my family and my part in it. My adopted daughter is causing so much pain as she is manipulating and punishing me for my failure to parent her and she does it undercover she has turned a lot of friends against me. It seems to be she is unable to tell me to my face or even show me her real self. Yet, she does to others. I wonder if there is a way to reach her or to stop the damage that is being done?

]]> By: Pasquale Forcellati http://rodesmith.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25399 Pasquale Forcellati Thu, 11 Mar 2010 19:57:03 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25399 Dear Rod, Just stumbled on your site whilst researching for my essay on attachment theory. I am currently working towards becoming a couples counsellor. Really enjoyed your article and reading a little about you.What impresses me most about you his your selfless concern for others.It reminds me of the Buddhist belief that Darma should be taught to all without payment. Self differentiation is very similiar to the Buddhist concept of non attachment. The constant interplay of autonomy and intimacy is reccurant throughout all stages of life, to be aware of self as differetiated from the other allows the space for true intimacy. Thanks again Rod and wish you and all on here love, peace and true intimacy. Dear Rod,
Just stumbled on your site whilst researching for my essay on attachment theory. I am currently working towards becoming a couples counsellor. Really enjoyed your article and reading a little about you.What impresses me most about you his your selfless concern for others.It reminds me of the Buddhist belief that Darma should be taught to all without payment.
Self differentiation is very similiar to the Buddhist concept of non attachment.
The constant interplay of autonomy and intimacy is reccurant throughout all stages of life, to be aware of self as differetiated from the other allows the space for true intimacy.
Thanks again Rod and wish you and all on here love, peace and true intimacy.

]]> By: Rachel http://rodesmith.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25296 Rachel Tue, 23 Feb 2010 01:55:34 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25296 This also frees me from the idea that if my partner does not fuse with me, then I am doing something wrong. But of course they need their space and their life and our love will be stronger when it is given room to grow. I don't have to be everything for him, and don't expect him to be everything for me. This also frees me from the idea that if my partner does not fuse with me, then I am doing something wrong. But of course they need their space and their life and our love will be stronger when it is given room to grow. I don’t have to be everything for him, and don’t expect him to be everything for me.

]]> By: Rachel http://rodesmith.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25295 Rachel Tue, 23 Feb 2010 01:52:25 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25295 Sometimes people telling you what to do is helpful for them. I don't mean that you should allow to do it if it takes away your energy, but sometimes it helps that situation if you let them give you their advice, and realise that by letting them do that you are giving them a chance to explore themselves and their own ideas. You can then choose what to do with their advice by your own terms. Sometimes people telling you what to do is helpful for them. I don’t mean that you should allow to do it if it takes away your energy, but sometimes it helps that situation if you let them give you their advice, and realise that by letting them do that you are giving them a chance to explore themselves and their own ideas. You can then choose what to do with their advice by your own terms.

]]> By: Rachel http://rodesmith.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25294 Rachel Tue, 23 Feb 2010 01:50:02 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25294 Thank you - I find that differentiation can be hard for me, because something in me craves fusion, like it is a natural high. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that trying to hold onto that feeling actually kills it! It is also amazing that a truly wonderful relationship brings us so much joy but also confusion, and an opportunity to grow and learn about ourselves. Thank you for your insights. Thank you – I find that differentiation can be hard for me, because something in me craves fusion, like it is a natural high. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that trying to hold onto that feeling actually kills it!
It is also amazing that a truly wonderful relationship brings us so much joy but also confusion, and an opportunity to grow and learn about ourselves.
Thank you for your insights.

]]> By: unknown http://rodesmith.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25292 unknown Mon, 22 Feb 2010 20:53:25 +0000 https://rodesmith.wordpress.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/#comment-25292 I printed this off so my mother and I can form a healthier relationship since we both have problems with this with each other and other family members. I printed this off so my mother and I can form a healthier relationship since we both have problems with this with each other and other family members.

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