Please print this out and spread it around...
Being an authentic adult is hard work and a never completed task. The pathway is paved with difficulty and challenge.
To become an adult, every person faces the task of the differentiation of self .
Not to differentiate is to fuse (the failure to become a separate person) with others and to place responsibility on others (or on situations, predicaments, and hurdles) for the way in which our lives develop. To differentiate is to provide a platform for maximum growth and personal development for everyone in your circle of influence.
Differentiation is described in many ways in the following points:
1. Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my family, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.
2. Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.
3. Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.
4. Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.
5. Staying in touch with others while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement.
6. Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.
7. Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.
8. Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.
9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others .
10. Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.
11. Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.
12. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.
13. Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.
14. Making no heroes, taking no victims.
15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everyday living.
16. Paying the price for building, and living withing community.
17. Moving beyond “instant” to process when it comes to love, miracles, the future, healing and all the important and beautiful things in life.
18. Enjoying the water (rather than praying for it to be wine), learning to swim (rather than trying to walk on water).
(Please PRINT this page and STUDY it. Spread it around your office and among your friends. Read more writers about this concept. The ONLY thing I ask in return is that you let me know you printed it – by leaving a comment – and you SPREAD the word to others.)
March 31, 2006 at 4:50 pm
I find 5, 12 and 14 really difficult.
Especially the “taking no heroes” part. I have no religious upbringing so my difficulty with 14 (a) is hard. My heroes are not knights in shining armour so that helps.
And 3 must be hard for everybody, not just me, and so is 16. What do you think the price is of living in community and building it? This must contribute to some of my difficulties with 5.
April 1, 2006 at 2:11 am
Dear Browynkate -=- to Differentiate is the hardest task we all face — thanks for reading and posting. Rod
April 5, 2006 at 2:50 pm
Read Extraordinary Relationships by Roberta Gilbert. Based on “Bowen Theory.” Murray Bowen’s Theory
April 6, 2006 at 8:16 am
… Thanks Dave, I am very familiar with that excellent book — Rod
April 6, 2006 at 7:22 pm
I am struggling with #5 right now. For me, expressed anger always meant it was time to run away again. I don’t want that to be the case anymore. I want to be able to disagree or argue, discuss it, and then move on with the relationship. I’m praying I can break this cycle now.
April 6, 2006 at 9:04 pm
….. Laura – let’s talk about how to break the cycle – I will write some ideas in a day or two — and you send me your ideas…….. Rod
November 28, 2006 at 5:12 pm
I look forward to our discussion on Thursday about this topic.
Going over recognizing and setting boundaries would be helpful for me, too.
December 5, 2006 at 2:23 pm
Rod, whoever you are, I stumbled upon this site by way of google. I am a former foster child of about 8 years. I was adopted at 17 by a family whom I had not even lived five years with. I am having a struggle with my relationships with them. In the past, I could not form relationships very well, and due to an average move of once every 9 months, I never had a consistant history with most people. So, I fear that I cannot uphold a relationship with someone that I do not live with, even a phone call takes a mental debate of “what will they think?” I usually give up and the turmoil happens. I hurt people, I feel hurt. Really, I feel silly that I struggle with relationships when I am an adult who is happily married but I can’t call my mom and dad or siblings.
There family dynamics were interupted my me and often times, that makes not talking easier but not helpful in the long run. I literally can not consistantly communicate and upkeep a meaningful relationship with anyone except my husband.
Do you have any suggestions, I am in school and cannot pay for (indiv.)family therapy, are there books that discuss even simple “relationship skills?”
December 5, 2006 at 9:51 pm
Wannabe — fell free to call me…… no harm done in chatting……317 694 8669 (If it is off I am asleep)…. ROD
December 7, 2006 at 10:09 am
[...] Self-Differentiation [...]
November 2, 2007 at 5:41 pm
Hey Rod,
I am currently attending post secondary education with the hope of being a social worker upon completion. I have currently been introduced to Bowen’s theory of differentiation and have relived that i have no concept of self. My main issue is that I commonly react emotionally, and do not reflect over how i am feeling. Are there any steps I can take to develop my internal self and mature to a normal adult level.
November 3, 2007 at 8:07 am
… check back in a few days and I will see what I can come up with. Let me think on these things…..
Please know that I am very pleased you stop by and read my work. I’d encourage you and all readers to spread the word.
Rod Smith
January 1, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Hi Rod,
As it has been well over a year since the last post, I am unsure if the thread is still being monitored. But as I have gained great insight from your list (found via google), I would like to express my gratitude.
I am somewhere in the fundamentals of some and still working on understandings with others. This listing helps to concisely reinforce the therapeutic process I am involved in. It also serves as a great reminder of the work of process involved in developing an emotionally mature and authentic individual.
Deciding to disappear under the influence of emotional duress in the face of turmoil…was huge for me. Reading it here, resonated loud and clear.
My initial fears of undertaking this process have mostly waned. As my doctor remarked…just continue doing it…it will begin to come more naturally. And so it has begun to.
Thanks again,
-Paul
January 1, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Hello Paul:
I am still here. I hope you get this reply.
I am pleased to hear things are going well, or at least better, for you.
Thanks for writing.
I’d be happy to send you a book if you’d send your mailing address to me privately.
Rod
RodESmith@mac.com
April 21, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Hi Rod. I loved this and think you did a great job on the list. I had heard of this concept and was trying to explain it to a friend, and this is an excellent resource to pass on. I just wanted to say thank you. It has given me a great deal to reflect on.
April 21, 2009 at 4:24 pm
Thanks, Kirk. I appreciate your noticing. It is a very difficult issue to teach and to “get” and usually, just when you think you “get” it, you discover you have not! Please, by all means, pass it on.
April 23, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Rod,
I am in graduate school to become a Marriage and Family Therapist and was introduced to the Bowen Theories at the starting gate and in almost every class since. I, like others stumbled across your work via Google. I bookmarked the site and will continue to monitor this exchange of ideas. I like to read what others have to say about the Bowen Theories. My course has also helped me understand the reasons I lived like I did for over 50 years. Two things-escapism and abandonment-clouded every decisionj I ever made and I didn’t even know it. Now that I am aware-I guess I have reached the pinnacle of self differentiation!
June 7, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Hi Rod,
I have encountered this specific issue most recently! I have lived on my own since 14 y/o and been successful both professionally and personally until recently. Having battled for nearly 6 years to live (due to several surgeries and cancer). During this time I lost both my job while in the hospital and then my home. I was taken in by a dear friend and have been living in the basement since. (Nearly 3 years now.) I am currently here due to finances and trying to rebuild my strength on all levels. But I find that I am increasingly discontent and what I would call fearful of striving out on my own again? I won’t go into the details but I am increasingly aware of what feels like an inability to self-diff. even though I have living the majority of my life being self diff? I am a bit at a loss! I recognize that I have encountered a new season and new healing but I wonder about different levels, phases and stages of self diff due to circumstances? survival? Displacement? What does this look like when trying to recoup ones life? any thoughts or insight you have would be dearly appreciated! Thanks for your writings – what a gift to find this page! Blessings!
June 8, 2009 at 1:02 pm
I already left a comment…from GottaBme. Thanks I lool forward to hearing back.
July 8, 2009 at 10:02 am
hi Rod,
Thanks for sharing this. I’ve just posted it (with credit to you of course) on my blog at http://www.romancerecovery.com/blog. One of my clients found you after we had been talking about emotional fusion. She’s taken a quantum leap in her self differentiation over the past 2 weeks as a result, yay!! Keep up the great work.
Love, Johanna