Colts lost, Saints win – what do you do with defeat?

In the light of the up-and-coming Soccer World Cup in South Africa (where this column published daily in hard-copy) and, in the wake of the Indianapolis Colt’s sad loss in the Super Bowl (I live in Indianapolis), I thought I’d throw this together for athletes, both amateur and professional.

Handling defeat.....

Handling defeat in sports for athletes and fans…

1. Look your opponents in the eyes and acknowledge their momentary superiority.
2. Pick up, as soon as possible, where you were in the moments before your loss.
3. Nurse your wounds but do not allow them to cripple you.
4. Speak well of the opponents, referees, the opposition fans, the conditions, the shape of the contest or game – anything else makes you sound like a bitter, poor loser.
5. Avoid “if we,” “when we,” “you should have” kind of talk – nothing can turn back the clock.
6. Constant replays of your errors will poison your preparation for the future – focus on what you or the team did well.
7. Live, and talk, as if your immediate loss is preparation for future victory.
8. Get up, look up, and get going. Loss of one event or season does not have to translate into further failure.
9. Embrace the world beyond your sports, victories and losses – there is more to life than winning and losing.

Marriage isn’t easy…..

ACT, Australia

Marriage, for a start, isn’t easy. Putting our hope for happiness in another doesn’t work.

I (we) have come to 42 years of marriage years because:

1. I took responsibility for my own life and own happiness and stopped depending on my husband to make me happy.
2. I began to discover who I was in the relationship…and stopped becoming what my husband wanted me to be.
3. I gave myself permission to have a ‘voice’ – and listened to the person inside me – the one who had never been listened to before – and in that way, I began to discover my value as an individual. I wasn’t just a wife and mother but a unique individual with gifts and talents, strengths and weaknesses.
4. I also sought help from a professional because the things that I just described to you, I couldn’t do on my own. I needed help. The person I saw gave me another perspective of my life that I had never seen before. It was in that place that I found hope and a new beginning as a new world opened up before me.

Marriage is still work for us but I discovered that the relationship, no matter how difficult, can also be a way to grow and learn more about myself as well as give to my spouse what he needs in our relationship. Both of us by the way came from dysfunctional homes where we hadn’t learned how to relate in a healthy way.

Rudi Lack – my first taste of YWAM

Rudi Lack is one of my heroes...

I had just re-ignited my relationship with a church in the early 1970s, maybe ‘73 or ‘74, when my pastor (Charles Gordon) announced a visiting preacher was coming to Durban who needed somewhere to stay for about 10 days. With my parents being in Europe, and our house empty, I volunteered.

YWAM’s Rudi Lack (who died this past week) arrived and his faith, determination, charisma, good-humor, and desire to know and love the nations of the world, hit me like a ton of bricks. He was my very first YWAMMER.

Rudi:

1. Watched himself on our TV (very new to South Africa at that time) being interviewed on a show I seem to remember was called Crossroads. This was much to the amusement of our maid who hardly ever seen TV let alone stand in the same room as someone who was “on” it.

2. Having just completed a tour from an Asian country, he was lugging the largest “portable” radio/tape/speaker system I had ever seen and gave me the freedom to use it. When the batteries (eight of them) ran down I replaced them. I recall bagging them in a little brown paper sack and putting them in the trash. Then I retrieved them from the trash – and then, I questioned the wisdom of saving old and used and already-replaced batteries and placed them once again in the trash. That night when Rudi returned from his day of activities and the trash was already gone, Rudi asked where the “used” batteries were. Rudi announced that I’d disposed of his 8 rechargeable-cell batteries. “Did God not give you a ‘check’ in your spirit? Did you not hesitate and wonder why?” Rudi asked. I recounted what had occurred and he playfully scolded me for not listening. It took days (and a great deal of my cash) to find replacement rechargeable batteries – the existence of which, prior to Rudi’s visit, I was unaware. I am still trying to hear the “check” in my spirit (about much more than re-chargeable batteries) and think of Rudi every time.

3. While visiting, Rudi wanted prayer cards made for every country in the world. He knew exactly what he wanted and how much God had told him to spend. I drove him all over Durban from printer to printer for at least three days until we found a man who knew exactly what Rudi wanted and quoted the price that was exactly what Rudi had heard from God. I recall my annoynace hearing Rudi reject a printer who wanted to do the same job for less money.

4. Our first breakfast I had decided that since this man of God was at my table that I’d better say grace for our meal. Closing my eyes, I invited Rudi to join me: “For what we are about to receive, may The Lord ….” I nervously began, only to feel Rudi looking at me and not participating in my great act of faith. “Brother,” he said interrupting me, “Do you want to pray or not?” Rudi proceeded to take a folded map of the world from his shirt pocket, laid it out on the table, and “prayed up a storm” for the World God so loved. I think this was my first ever occasion to hear someone pray for anything or anyone other than his or her own needs.

5. When Rudi preached at my church I responded to the prayer for my “tent pegs to be enlarged” (whatever that meant to me at the time) for my “boundaries to be enlarged” (again, whatever that meant) – and, when I saw Rudi, when I ran into him quite by chance, several times in subsequent years in Kona, Hawaii and in Mangere, New Zealand, when I myself was on teaching and preaching trips, I’d remind him of those days at my home and how indeed I believed our prayers had been answered.

“Keep telling me about it,” he’d say, “Of course, I remember it all……”

Rest in peace Rudi, or shall I say, do whatever you want in heaven, just allow others to rest, if you can! Thanks for those few treasured days in my boyhood home, where you showed me what passion for the world really looked like.

I make him jealous and insecure……

“My boyfriend decided to end our relationship because I will not admit that I look at other men to get attention. He says I make him insecure and jealous and that I keep denying it. I can swear I’m not the women he says I am. Now he won’t talk to me. I think it is very childish behavior. I know I have been faithful to him and I know that it is over. I’m so hurt and lost. The worst thing is that I’m 47 and feel like I have no hope. This is the man who would swear he loved me. I suppose he really loves himself only.” (Minimal edits)

All your hope depends on if you have a man or not! This is the deeper issue worth addressing. It is possible to have a full life while being single. When this becomes a reality, any partner will not be afforded the undue power you have given this particular boyfriend. When a person is already insecure and jealous there is nothing a partner can do to change it. He will be jealous and insecure whether you looked at other men or not. You are not powerful enough to cause him to be jealous and insecure. These are his issues and his to tackle. Don’t take the blame.

Adult-to-adult relationship – when one is the parent and the other is the adult son or daughter……

1. We are mutual and respectful in every way and treat each other as we would treat any valued friend.
2. We talk respectfully to each other and we talk respectfully about each other.
3. We do not feel pressure to tell each other more (or less) than we’d reveal to other treasured friends.
4. We are friends, sometimes companions, who also happen to be parent and adult son or daughter.
5. We do not barge into each others lives, presume availability, or assume willingness to spend time together, just because we are related.
6. We contact each other, we talk on the phone, and drop in on each other while also fully acknowledging that each of us has a full life outside of each other.
7. We respect each others freedom to interpret the past as he or she sees necessary.
8. We offer each other the freedom to plan a future that might represent a radical departure from the way things have been.
9. We offer absolute respect to the people we each choose to love.
10. We seldom, if ever, tell each other what the other “should”, “ought”, “need”, or “must” do.

It’s just how families are……

1. Anxiety is passed from generation to generation like a baton in a relay race – deal with it or it will deal with you.
2. Every time you want to step out and do something great, challenging, unusual, or generous, someone in your family (often it will be you, yourself) will try and stop you. (Friedman, Ed.)
3. Invisible loyalties (family ties) will stretch across oceans and often intensify with time and distance. Sometimes they are further intensified by death.
4. Peacekeeping (avoiding necessary conflict) will burn you out a lot quicker than peacemaking (inviting necessary conflict so resolution may be attempted).
5. Forgiveness takes one person; reconciliation takes at least two.
6. The challenge in intimate relationships is not (usually) the ability or willingness to be close, but the ability and the willingness to be sufficiently distinct and apart.
7. The test of a person’s integrity is not how he or she is in public but how he or she treats the persons to whom he or she is closest.

She wants to leave because of my daughters…..

“I am divorced and now live with my girlfriend. My two teenage daughters live with us. The problem is the daughters are very lazy and don’t do much around the house and leave it in a mess. They don’t have much respect and have bad attitudes. My girlfriend is fed up and can’t handle it anymore. We have tried talking to them and asking them to shape up but it only works for a few weeks. My girlfriend says she cannot live in the house with the girls and she is thinking about moving out. I’m stuck between sending my girls to their mother (which they don’t want) or losing my girlfriend.”

Stand up to your daughters -- it is a part of love

Your daughters have more power than you, your girlfriend, or they, can handle. Increase your tolerance for their pain by standing up to them despite the fallout. This is sometimes expected of a loving parent.

Encourage your girlfriend and daughters to discuss their problematic areas face-to-face. Go out while they do it. This might help all three women grow up.

My hunch is that your domestic issues are not about your unhappy trio or an untidy home. I believe they center on your inability to define what you want from life and the willingness to do all it takes to get it.

To the “casual” drinker…..

Alcohol in mom and dad hits children hard.....!

Your “casual” or “I can take it or leave it” relationship with alcohol might be more than casual if:

(a) It has caused stress in your relationships
(b) It has resulted in public embarrassment
(c) You crave a quick fix of beer or alcohol (and sometimes get it in secret)
(d) It has caused you to miss or be late for work
(e) You believe it’s the only way you can relax.

If any one of the five points hits home for you, your casual relationship with alcohol might have more power over you than you care to admit. But I am not going to try and talk you into seeing the truth behind your “casual” habit – and such convincing usually falls on deaf ears.

Nonetheless, if your “casual” drinking has caused you relational, social, psychological, physical, or professional discomfort, you can be sure it also causes your children pain. It probably puts them on guard and elevates their stress levels. Your drinking changes their world.

There’s a poignant moment in the movie “The Prince of Tides” when a character remarks something like, “Our parents drink and we get the hangover.”

Adult son writes to his mother….

Dear Mother:

I am 40 and I really am no longer “your baby.” Please try not to refer to me in this manner. It sounds completely ridiculous even though I know what you mean. I am a married man and the father of two children.

While I am at it, let me remind you that I adore my wife and would really appreciate it if you worked harder at not treating her as if she were some kind of outsider, intruder, servant, or secretary. Remember? You were at our wedding. She’s very much part of our family – and I am part of hers.

By the way, her parents are not “those people” but a man and woman whom I love and who have embraced me far more successfully than I think you have embraced their daughter.

I know you are going to resent hearing this but I have to say it: I cannot drop everything and run to your assistance every time you phone. Mother, there are plumbers, electricians, doctors, lawyers, bankers, and an endless list of places for you to get your car repaired – and really, there’s very little you cannot afford.

With love (yes, love),
Your son

My wife is addicted to her cellphone….

“My wife is addicted to her cell phone. Nothing I say or do will convince her otherwise. The woman is constantly on her phone talking or text-messaging. She sleeps with her phone, clutching it like a child may clutch a stuffed toy. She cannot bear to have her phone out of her sight for even a minute. My wife has even text-ed people during sex! Forget about having a conversation or watching a movie together. It just isn’t going to happen. I have tried to discuss this issue with her but she just stares back at me. All attempts at meaningful conversation or at just spending time together are nothing more than exercises in futility. What really hurts me is the fact that my wife, who is an intelligent woman, does not see the problem or, if she does, she refuses to get help. In the meantime, I am lost. My wife is literally destroying our marriage and refuses to do anything about it.”

ACT, Australia

FROM JEAN HATTON in AUSTRALIA: Have you considered getting through to your wife by texting her yourself? If this is the only kind of communication that she immerses herself in, perhaps you can let her know your struggle via your own cell.

The fact that she texts even during sex causes me to wonder what the health of your marriage was like before she became addicted to her cell. State (Text) your case and comments to her and then find help for what your options are concerning your marriage relationship.

Reacting to her will only send you deeper into your own powerlessness.

Self-examine, first.....

Rod’s response: Dozen of facetious responses have crossed my mind, but I’ll resist. Your marriage, wife, and consequently you, require a powerful, face-to-face professional intervention.

This inordinate attachment cannot occur in a vacuum – so I’d suggest the phone is a symptom and not the cause.

Begin with ruthless self-assessment.