Difficult Relationships

How do I tell him his breath smells?

November 12, 2009 — Rod E. Smith, MSMFT

“I have been in contact with a guy for the past 18 months, chatting online. He lives in another city. A few months ago we met, and really hit it off. I have met him a few times since, and had initially thought that I was imagining, his bad breath. The last visit which was a few days ago, left me quite repelled as he seems to have a serious halitosis problem that he is not aware of. The sad thing is that other than that, he is absolutely wonderful, but I really feel that I will be unable to go on with a person who has such bad breath. Both of us have been divorced previously, with no children and we are both in our thirties. Please help! How do I approach this?”

Tell him...

You tell him as kindly and directly as possible. Try to be humorous; first tell him of some of your own “blind spots” and ask if he is “open” to hearing some you have noticed. If this relationship progresses to levels of greater commitment and deeper love, you are going to have to have far more difficult conversations. This conversation will be good practice for what is to come – if you are anything like millions of other healthy couples.

India

Be blunt! You’re both mature thirty-plus year olds right? And I’m assuming life has taught you both that there is never a need to “beat around the bush” at this age. Having bad breath is like having bad body odor, your always the last one to notice (or so I’ve heard). So in the grand scheme of things, and it sounds like this man is “absolutely wonderful” as you say, telling him he has bad breath will probably be one of the easiest relationship issues you’ll have to address together. And this is nothing that couldn’t be solved with, like gifting your boyfriend with a year’s supply of Cool Mint breath strips!

ACT, Australia

After eighteen months chatting online and then meeting him and enjoying the times together, you have probably communicated to him your enjoyment of the relationship. It sounds as if you like each other. It’s with that in mind that I suggest that he might appreciate your honesty about how you are struggling with his bad breath. Telling the truth to someone (not in a critical manner) is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself as well as the other.

Midwest, USA

From a distance! No really- its probably something that you’ll need to bring up with him if you do in fact want to remain in relationship with him. Have the courage to do so even if it doesn’t end up working out. If he can seek medical help for it it may be something you laugh about later in your relationship. The way he responds to you when you tell him will speak volumes to the future you may or may not have with him.

Posted in Communication, Compatibility, Dating, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Family, Happiness, High maintenance relationships, Relationships, Victims, Voice. Leave a Comment »

My wife keeps contact with her past lovers and boyfriends…..

November 11, 2009 — Rod E. Smith, MSMFT

“My wife and I have been married for 20 years and I love and trust her fidelity. However there is one thing that I find it quite difficult to cope with and that is that she likes to keep in touch with her ex-boyfriends and lovers. This causes me quite a lot of pain. Am I abnormal? Do I need therapy?”

Open your hand....

You are not abnormal unless there are related behaviors you are not telling me about like outbursts of rage on your part. I do not believe you need therapy. I have received many letters with a similar theme and met face-to-face with many couples in the same boat. The issue will not be solved if your wife severs contact with her past relationships.

You are the one with the feelings (the anguish, the uncertainty) and therefore the one with the opportunity to grow. Matters will be “solved” or alleviated for you, when you open your hand and facilitate her freedom to befriend, within the commitments of your marriage, whomever she desires. These relationships predate you, and you are her obvious choice of a life-partner. Work on yourself, not on her. If you work (force, plead, strong-arm, attempt to manipulate) on her, you will only alienate her and turn your internal world upside down.

Posted in Attraction, Authentic love, Betrayal, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Flirting, Happiness, High maintenance relationships, Interpersonal intimacy. Tags: she wants to talk to her exes. Leave a Comment »

In-laws spoil my children…

November 10, 2009 — Rod E. Smith, MSMFT

“My in-laws spoil my children. The kids don’t close their mouths after talking about something they want and off go grandma and grandpa to buy it. I did not grow up this way and I don’t want it for my children. Please help.” (Email not gender specific)

Timing is everything...

First: Although you have not hinted at the possibility, do not ask your spouse to be the messenger to his or her parents. You are the one feeling and expressing the frustration, and so this is an issue that is yours to directly handle.

Second: Speak up, and do so without alienating your in-laws. This requires great skill, an advanced sense of timing, and a great deal of poise on your part. Choose a time when anxiety is low – a time when you are all feeling good about life and each other.

Third: if you are successful, your in-laws will thank you for your insight and somewhat refrain from excessive shopping. You will need to remind them (playfully) of your chat several times over the course of a year.

Fourth: If you are unsuccessful, everyone will end up on bad terms, your in-laws won’t shop for the children again and your children and spouse will be as frustrated with you as you are with your in-laws.

Posted in Adolescence, Blended families, Children, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Faith, Family, Generosity, High maintenance relationships, In-laws, Marriage and in-laws, Over Parenting, Parenting/Children. Leave a Comment »

I feel like a “girlfriend with benefits”…..

November 10, 2009 — Rod E. Smith, MSMFT

“I expressed to my partner that I was feeling like a ‘girlfriend with benefits’ or a ‘convenient mistress.’ He was offended, yet when (by my choice) our relationship was no longer physically intimate and he was preparing wages for his domestic, he observed that he should perhaps pay me for ‘services not rendered’. He has expressed some objection to taking me out, paying for the evening, and then having to say goodbye at the door and go home.” (Edited)

Thanks for writing...

If you really want a date with this man I’d suggest you pay your own way. While he perceives paying for an evening out with you as a trade for “benefits,” and you cooperate with his wishes because he has spent money on you, then you are indeed little more than a hired mistress. Apparently the space between you has become clouded and toxic. Your unique wants have polarized the two of you and it is probably time to call it quits.

Posted in Dating, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Disrespect, Divorce, Double standards. Leave a Comment »

How soon can a person have sex after the death of a spouse?

November 9, 2009 — Rod E. Smith, MSMFT

Your brief question leaves many unaddressed variables. That you desire sex might be considered a positive thing in the wake (no cheap pun intended) of your loss. Yet, if you have used sex in the past as an escape, rather than as a means to contributing to a mutual, respectful, and equal relationship, you will be furthering behavior that is ultimately destructive for you. Then, if you adhere to a faith tradition which precludes you from engaging in sex outside of marriage, you might find some short-term relief in sexual behavior, but you will ultimately self-inflict emotional and spiritual discord.

But I will assume you, an adult who has endured a significant loss, are understandably reaching out for love and affection.

Three things:

1. You are not betraying the deceased.
2. You and your faith tradition decide on when is acceptable to you to have sex (it is not up to anyone else).
3. You will take into account that sexual behavior is never purely recreational.

It is impossible to do something so profoundly intimate with your body that doesn’t also impact every other aspect of your emotional and spiritual life.

Toxic relationships as human chess….

November 8, 2009 — Rod E. Smith, MSMFT

Take up your life

Think of manipulative relationships (those relationships where manipulation, domination, and intimidation are evident) as a game of (human) chess played, not with a board and pieces, but with people….

Manipulation: “Playing chess” with others; maneuvering, as if life were an attempt to checkmate others into “love” or into doing what the manipulator wants. Moves are designed to confuse, trap, surprise, pull the rug from under the feet, and to leverage and increase power for the manipulator.

Domination: “Playing chess” with others; removing important pieces (withholding information, telling lies, maintaining a “double” life) from the “opponent” without his or her knowledge or permission. This is playing from an “upper hand.”

Intimidation: “Playing chess” with others; removing important pieces without the opponent’s knowledge or permission, and threatening the opponent with punishment (threats to leave, threats to hurt, intentionally harmful attitudes) if he or she wins or loses.

Healthy Relationships: There is no element of either winning or losing; there is no tussle over power; there is no “game,” no tactics, and no secret or hidden agendas.

Posted in Attraction, Authentic love, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Personal growth, Relationships, Toxic Relationships, Voice. 1 Comment »

She won’t let go…..

November 5, 2009 — Rod E. Smith, MSMFT

My ex-girlfriend won’t let go. We have been broken up for three years and had many conversations covering the reasons the relationship did not work. She continued to buy me clothes, make me food, send me cards, and try to see me for one last thing she needed to understand. I think I have been very patient but everything I say has to be broken down into precise meanings and explained to death. Here is the simple truth: I don’t want to be her boyfriend any longer and she doesn’t seem to get it. When I tell her I am free

She won't let go....

to be with anyone I choose and that I do not choose to be with her she wants me to explain how it could have been so good and then come to nothing. Please help. (Letter synthesized from several conversations)

Do not enter into any conversations in the attempt to explain yourself. You will not end viral activity (she is not a virus, being “locked on” to you is evidence of an emotional virus) if you continue to feed or facilitate the virus in any manner. Change your phone numbers and your email address. Accept no more gifts of any sort – and return, unopened, gifts that arrive.

Ten, no 11, reminders for divorced “couples”:

November 4, 2009 — Rod E. Smith, MSMFT

This is someone you once loved....

1. Your former spouse is a person whom you once loved.
2. Your former spouse has a family that was once also yours.
3. Your children will benefit from seeing that people who disagree are also able to work together.
4. It is possible to be cordial and cooperative even after a marriage has broken down, even after there has been infidelity, even after there have been cruel words spoken.
5. While the divorce is final and painful, the good memories remain good memories, the love once shared was once real.
6. Little is gained by speaking negatively of your former spouse or former in-laws.
7. Children will have a natural resistance to new partners, lovers, or spouses – to moving house or schools as a result of your decisions to divorce.
8. Using children as a means to getting what you need and want is hardly helpful to the well being of the children.
9. Having “adult” meetings – with all the adults present – to talk about co-parenting is probably a good idea.
10. It is possible to find joy and happiness even after divorce.
11. Sometimes (in response to trauma), life becomes a series of approximations, adaptations, of negotiated positions, which ultimately form into a renewed platform for a fulfilling life which, while within the immediate turmoil, no one can see or imagine.

Ten, no 12, things it has taken me years to learn:

November 3, 2009 — Rod E. Smith, MSMFT

Anxiety will drive you if you allow it....

1. No one is all good; no one is all bad.
2. Even an ant, when looked at under a microscope, can look like a monster (Rabbi Ed Friedman).
3. Anxiety is more contagious than the common cold (Rabbi Ed Friedman).
4. Worry teaches me nothing that’s really worth learning.
5. The busiest people often get the least done.
6. Burnout is not the result of working too hard, too much, or of holding an “important position” but it is the result of not minding my own business or taking on other people’s unresolved issues.
7. I get another shot at (almost) everything.
8. Forgiving others is a hallmark of the presence of good mental health.
9. Miracles are in the eye of the beholder.
10. Helping people find their strengths is more helpful they helping them identify their weaknesses.
11. Life is beautiful and life is brutal all at the same time.
12. God is not innocent (which does not mean that God is guilty).

Posted in Attraction, Authentic love, Boundaries, Communication, Differentiation, Difficult Relationships, Personal growth, Relationships, Toxic Relationships, Voice. 4 Comments »

Ritual dialogue for a healty couple….

October 29, 2009 — Rod E. Smith, MSMFT

“I will not get in your way. You may work where you choose, worship where you choose, and have all the friends you need and want. If you want to further your education I will do all I can to support you. You are absolutely free and do not require my permission for anything. I know the trust that we have developed between us gives me the confidence to know that you will always choose well and wisely, and when and if you do not choose well and wisely, I know your unwise choices do not arise out of an intentional desire to damage yourself, our relationship, or me.”

“I, in turn, will not get in your way. I will create space for our mutual benefit, work hard for our mutual enrichment, and honor the respect the trust we have built up over the years we have known each other. While I know I do not require your permission to enlarge my life through developing my career, and by developing many meaningful friendships, or enjoying a life of discipline and worship, I will willingly use the freedom that is inherently mine for our continued and mutual benefit.”

“Lighthouse” – friend, and reader, develops the theme —: “I will not (covertly) get in your way. I will collaborate with you prior to committing significant time, money, emotional resources and/or physical effort to ensure that our expectations are aligned with our mutually beneficial goals. I will do what I say so your trust in me is earned. When we have not explicitly agreed something, my actions will honor our relationship nonetheless. I will encourage you to uphold your agreements and thank you for your efforts every day regardless of the results. I will engage when reality doesn’t match our expectations so we may learn from the experience, forgive those that failed to keep their word and forget the situation. I dedicate the time to talk with you because it is the exchange of such emotional intimacies that differentiates our deepening love from that of my love for family and friends.” (Thanks, “Lighthouse,” for your valuable and beautiful contribution)

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How do I tell him his breath smells?

My wife keeps contact with her past lovers and boyfriends…..

In-laws spoil my children…

I feel like a “girlfriend with benefits”…..

How soon can a person have sex after the death of a spouse?

Toxic relationships as human chess….

She won’t let go…..

Ten, no 11, reminders for divorced “couples”:

Ten, no 12, things it has taken me years to learn:

Ritual dialogue for a healty couple….

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